Words for My Enjoyment

I Can Still Eat Three Packets of Crackers In Less Than A Minute Without a Glass of Water

May 19th, 2005

It seems as though people don’t believe me when I tell them that I can still eat three packets of crackers in less than a minute without a glass of water.

The critics, of course, came out in droves to clock in on the subject. For example:

“This is not possible. Countless people have tried and failed!”
-SavageJeep

“Man you’re lying. U aint did it, u my friend are the cracker.”
-jmart

“I think that is bullshit.”
-Melissa

“There is no way in hell anyone can eat that many saltines! And if u think u did DON’T SMOKE THAT MUCH CRACK. It’s simple ur a idiot it’s imposible. So try to shove em all up ur ass!”
-moron

Such lucid criticisms got me to thinking. If indeed people were so skeptical that I had consumed three packages of saltines without any water in less than a minute and lived to tell the tale, I would indeed have to prove them wrong. I would have to provide some kind of proof that would finally silence the naysayers and bring legitimacy to my water-less cracker crunching.

And then it hit me.

There is no proof. No matter what I say. I could upload a picture of me rubbing my stomach after I’ve already ingested the crackers and include a picture of the wrappers and a picture of a glass filled with water, and no one would believe me. I could film myself doing it and upload the video and people would still cry “foul” because I had used Photoshop or some kind of Adobe Effects program to alter the reality of the video clip. I could invite all my readers over to the Staples Center here in Los Angeles and perform such an act on stage and still, in the end, they’d liken it to magic.

Basically, there’s nothing I can do to prove it to them.

And so I stand proud against the backdrop of my successes in the art of cracker-eating and encourage those who feel that I am lying about my triumph over the salty-bread wafer to find peace in knowing that I only ate those crackers which needed to die for the performance art I call “Cracker Eating” and that yes, the world is a better place because of it.

Ahem.

—

In other news, I am going to see what I like to call Return of the Painful Lucas Movie Watching Experience today at Noon in Hollywood. I have no expectations, no hopes and really, no chance of liking it more than The Real Genius. Would love to know if anyone’s seen it and liked it without giving away ANYTHING.

In additionally-other news, I received an e-mail this week from WFME pal Will who informed me that he’s been triumphantly passing his speech class this year by performing selections from this blog as his in-class speeches. Just which speeches have garnered Will a passing grade has yet to be determined…but once I know I’ll be sure to provide you links so, you too, can pass classes with the beautious prose of WFME.

In supplemental, additionally-other news, I will be travelling to Las Vegas this weekend in an attempt to find the most perfect, most cost-conscious, hugest, most triumphant shrimp cocktail for under $1.99. Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Posted under Condiments, Food and Drink. |