Today’s Prognosis on Peanut Eaters

Maybe it’s just me…but they give me the willies.

They walk around always shaking their fists, not because they’re getting ready to rumble, but because they’re always re-adjusting the peanuts in their hand. You know, so at any given time they can open up the hole at the end of their fist and be ready (once again) to dispense another serving into their open mouth.

Their hands are always covered in peanut shells and salt. Their pants have little wipe stains on them where they’ve wiped off their hands. You’d think they’d smell like peanuts, but instead they smell like old people shawls and crutch armpit-handles.

These people. These peanut-eaters. Prognosis is not good.

Today’s Words With Pitney Bowes

The phone rang, almost surprisingly. There was, as usual, a long pause after I said hello. Eventually, the people on the other line got down to business. Phone solicitors, again.

Pitney Bowes: Hello — is this the managing partner?

Me: Why, yes. It is.

Pitney Bowes: Well, hello sir. I’m calling on behalf of Pitney Bowes this morning to make you a wonderful offer. We’re ready to give you the Pitney Bowes E700 letter postage meter for a free three month trial, and then offer you the service at $24.95 a month. And that’s only with a thirty-dollar startup fee for the postage.

Me: A postage meter?

Pitney Bowes: Well, yes. How much in postage do you think your business uses on a monthly basis?

Me: My frozen yogurt shop?

Pitney Bowes: Uh, yes. Your…frozen yogurt shop.

Me: I don’t know. I mean, what would I need a postage meter for at a frozen yogurt shop?

Pitney Bowes: Well, what about all those great offers you send out to the community? The special two for one deals?

Me: Good point. Very good point.

Celebrities Get Stood Up For Dates, Too!

Last night, I witnessed something I never thought I’d see.

William (Bill) Devane, best known for his role as Gregory “Greg” Sumner on the TV show Knots Landing was stood up.

While Gregory “Greg” Sumner would have never sat around for an hour (yes, an hour) waiting for a date at a local sushi restaurant, apparently William “Bill” Devane would. And there he sat, drinking beer after beer, ordering plate of sushi after plate of sushi until he finally got fed up with the whole enterprise. And about thirty seconds after paying, and about thirty seconds before leaving, his date (or dinner meeting) or what not — she showed up.

Bill: “I’ve been waiting for you for an hour!”

When Towel Hitting Becomes Uncomfortable Gym Conversation

This morning at the gym I was doing my thang on an elliptical machine when the girl next to me got down and in the process accidentally snapped me with her towel. I wasn’t going to let it stand.

Me: You just hit me with your towel.

Her: Oh!? I’m sorry!

Me: It hurt.

Her: Oh. I’m totally sorry about that!

At this point, she began to get her things together, preparing to leave.

Me: Where are you going?

Her: I’m leaving.

Me: You can’t just leave. That’s like leaving the scene of a hit and run accident.

Her: What the hell are you talking about!?

Me: You. Hit. Me. With. Your. Towel.

Whipped Words

If you happen to be a fan of Consumer Joe then you probably know that there were a bunch of letters that didn’t make it into the book for a few reasons. Whether it was because of legal reasons or because the letters didn’t go with the consumer theme of the book, a few of them were damn funny and (sadly) just didn’t happen.

One of those was to Cool Whip.

I had written to Cool Whip and told them that [as David Paulson] I had consumed nothing but Cool Whip for over 3 months and lost 87 pounds in the process. I was planning on releasing a book called Whip Off the Weight: David Paulson’s Cool Whip Diet and simply needed their approval to use the Cool Whip logo to accompany me on the cover holding a tub of the famous whipped topping.