Words For Your Enjoyment: Intoxicated Snake Kissing

“You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, unless you turn around.”

If you’re trying to figure out who said that… If you’re racking your brain trying to determine just which world famous writer crafted such a mind-bending query… Well, it’s time to forget about that and instead direct your attention to today’s “Words For Your Enjoyment”!

That’s where unsuspecting readers provide an unsuspecting writer (not to say they’re not writers either) an unsuspecting idea for an unsuspecting post. Yes, there’s a lot of clueless unsuspecting items around the house today. Nonetheless, Andrea provides WFYE with today’s crazy story which has sparked a question. She says:

“Today in toxicology class, this appeared on our powerpoint: Snake bites usually occur in females (under 20 years old) and males 20-27 years old (most of which are usually intoxicated). The professor continued to talk about a person who was playing a game called “kiss the snake” which involved being drunk, holding a snake to his face, and attempting to kiss it. In the process, he was bit on on the tongue, causing it to swell to the size of a grapefruit.”

Deep down, Andrea wanted to know what other drunk games guys in their twenties play — which, if I remember correctly usually involves beer and long plastic tubes and the television show Hee Haw, but even more intriguing is the concept that young adolescent guys are going around kissing poisonous snakes.

If I were to kiss a poisonous snake, I wouldn’t just go and do it without warning.

And therein lies the problem. Why people haven’t figured this out yet, I’ll never know, but it all comes down to foreplay. Seriously. Whether or not you’re going to kiss a girl or a poisonous snake, you’ve still got to get things moving slowly. Methodically. Carefully. So, today, I’m going to give you a quick 10 step guide to how to kiss a snake and not get bitten in the process.

Step #1: Find a poisonous snake. Such snakes can be found in a variety of places, including your backyard, but you’ll want to consult local authorities first. Snakes can be wiley, but the reward always exceeds the preparation.

Step #2: Introduce yourself to the poisonous snake. Say hey. Hello. Tell the poisonous snake you know what they’re going through, having to crawl on their belly all the day long. How you’ve always wondered what it’s like to shed your skin. Let them know you’re on their same level. That you have the same interests. If need be, crawl around on your stomach, too.

Step #3: Offer to take them to an exciting new locale. Like your backyard porch. Or your living room. Give the poisonous snake a few options. Anything is better than the grass, you know? This, of course, is the easiest of all steps so you really can’t screw it up!

Step #4: Have a good mixed tape ready to go. Snakes don’t like Journey or The Allman Brothers. But they do love bands like The Gorrilaz and Credence Clearwater Revival. Get that mixed tape or CD ready to play as soon as you’ve got them to agree to come inside.

Step #5: Food is key. Have a few living mice ready to go. Something to eat. Snakes get hungry, especially the poisonous ones and they can’t think about any kind of romance without something in their tummy. But nothing too big — or else they’ll get a tummy ache.

Step #6: A safe, neutral environment. Set up a space where you and the poisonous snake both feel like you’ve got the upper hand. Maybe sitting by the fire, across from each other? Maybe in the kitchen next to the vibrating a/c duct. Someplace where no one has the upper hand. This will make the poisonous snake feel at ease, and open to your advances.

Step #7: Compliment the poisonous snake. Anything you can think of that isn’t stupid, people. From saying nice things about their coloring, patterns or even their teeth. Just say something nice – it can’t hurt nearly as bad as getting bitten.

Step #8: A casual touch. Make a joke, laugh, and then touch the snake while you’re both giggling. This will tell the snake that you’re interested in trying to get a smooch. If the snake doesn’t weasel their tail away from you, you’re almost home free!

Step #9: Eye contact. It’s gonna mean you’ve got to get down on the floor to really obtain eye contact, but it will convince the poisonous snake that you mean him/her no harm. This is key for step #10.

Step #10: The kiss. If you’ve done all the above things successfully, your poisonous snake will be more than happy to let you kiss it without biting your tongue and sending you to the ER. That’s right, thanks to these wonderful ten steps, you will have reached first base with a poisonous snake while the rest of your drunk buddies are being given anti-biotics in the hospital.

Who says I don’t offer up useful, helpful advice?

2 comments on “Words For Your Enjoyment: Intoxicated Snake Kissing

  1. Andrea - April 29, 2005 at 12:00 pm -

    Thanks for the blog-love, Pauly D. 🙂 The toxicology final is on Monday. If I write a paragraph about how to deal with poisonous snakes the Pauly D. way, do you think I’ll pass?

  2. Pauly D - April 29, 2005 at 12:40 pm -

    Nope, but you’ll be the envy of your entire neighborhood. I mean, really, who has ever hooked up with a snake!?

    Yo, right.

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