It seems Lily Costner and I are on the outs.
As our circle of friends were constantly hanging out with each other, I opened up that chapter of my life last year when I mentioned her and our slurpee-getting back in early 2004. Then she came by again just to show off her Hummer, which her dad (Kevin Costner) had purchased for her.
Lily is, obviously, one of those girls who comes in and out of your life when it serves her well — and I’m not saying that in a mean way, or a critical way…just in a matter of fact way. She calls when she needs comforting or someone to talk to, so when I randomly run into her in public (without her expecting to see me) it’s sometimes a weird situation.
I made a quick stop at the local drug store on my way home yesterday after a meeting (in which I actually ran into Tim Allen, but that’s another true story altogether) and I was looking for some of that good ‘ol Glucosamine Condroiten (keeps your limbs nice and strong), when I stopped and turned and saw Lily Costner standing with some guy in the candy aisle.
Having not seen the girl for like eight months, I approached.
She looked at me, at first, with a look of familiarity — then when she saw her guy start to process the information she quickly changed her look into something a little more confused.
Lily: Uh, hi?
I moved to her and attempted a hug — but she took a step back as her boy sort of stepped in front of her to block the embrace. I thought it was a little over-the-top, if you know what I mean. Like, you know, I was some kind of Black Knight trying to steal the Princess or something. C’mon, people!
The exchange surprised me, and didn’t surprise me — after all, she was Lily Costner.
Lily: Have we met?
She was kidding. She had to be.
Me: Have we met. You’re truthfully asking me if we’ve met?
Lily: Umm, yeah.
Me: Well, we met that one time you came over and watched Curb Your Enthusiasm with me and we also met that time you came over to show me your wedding present which really wasn’t a wedding present but just a present from your dad, Kevin Costner — which happened to be a Hummer… And we surely met the time you threw a popcorn bowl at me and destroyed my A/V tuner…
Lily’s Friend: Do you know this guy, Lil?
I wasn’t going to let all the History fall to the wayside. I didn’t know what kind of game Lily was playing, but I wasn’t leaving this uncomfortable exchange without proving that we knew each other. I opened my arms trying to move around the guy standing in her way — we sort of did this little dance as I tried to embrace Lil.
Me: Just give me a hug, Lil — just…one…hug!
The guy pushed Lily back away from me and pushed me forward, keeping his arm outstretched so there was a bunch of space between us.
Lily’s Friend: If you know what’s good for you, I think you should just take your pills and be on your way, buddy.
Lily stood silent. I looked to her, my eyes pleading.
Me: Lil? C’mon, just a quick little hug!
She hung her head down, looked up at me again…
Lily: I think you should do what he says, Paul.
Aaah-ha! The guy turned to Lily and my eyes lit up and Lily’s eyes had this kind of “uh oh” look on her face just as she finished mentioning my name. I hadn’t said my name up until now, and so by her slipping, the guy was suddenly on the losing end of it all.
Me: See! She does know me!
I outstretched my arms again, trying to weasel my way around to Lily again.
Lily: No, Paul. I’m not going to give you a hug. I’ve moved on.
Me: Moved on…from what? Friends…hug? Don’t they?
Lily’s Friend: Friends don’t hug.
Me: Friends don’t hug? Where the hell did you hear that?
Lily’s Friend: They just don’t. Plain and simple.
Lily’s friend looked to her, and they shared this kind of “I am your master so agree with me” kind of look.
Lily: He’s right, Paul. Friends don’t hug.
And with that, Lily’s friend grabbed her by the arm and moved her away from me and down through the candy aisle. And just as they were about to turn the corner, with Lily’s boy already out of sight, Lily turned back, inching her head around the corner of the aisle…
And she made this motion with her hand up to her ear like she was on an imaginary telephone and mouthed, “I’ll call you later…with the phone that my dad Kevin Costner purchased for me!”
Lily Costner — she’s an enigma wrapped up in a candy-coated shell.