I work out.
Let me just put that out there so you can think about it for a moment. Yes, I get up early on a daily basis and I go to the gym and I work out and pump iron and often yelp when I bang my right knee into a variety of metal objects. My right knee loves to smash itself against such things. In fact, it’s my bad knee now, due to such activities. But I work out. And you must accept that before I may continue.
On the morning in question [today], I was minding my own business during my 50 minute trip across wildly-strange vistas (the eliptical machine) while listening to Frau Frau. I had made friends with the woman to my left — who had wanted to be friends with me after psyching some guy out with the towel covering her 30+ minute set, because since I had already seen the lies she was peddling, she wanted to be my friend. On the right, a guy who wanted to know absolutely everything about my iPod. (Honestly, how someone doesn’t know these things already, is anyone’s guess.)
But then, on the horizon, looking in the mirror sideways (he had to turn his head to the left in order to get a glimpse of himself), was none other than Beverly Hills, 90210 star, Ian Ziering.
The real issue was not that I had just had a star sighting (and that’s debatable, anyway) of someone I had watched on the TV for years and years, and the real issue was not that he was going out of his way to look at his bad-self while walking past the workout mirror… The real issue was — Why is Ian Ziering working out at my gym?
Yes, there comes a point when stars are no longer BIG stars and they can no longer afford to pay trainers to keep them in shape. They’re looking to survive on whatever money they’ve already made and they can’t piss it all away especially if they’re not currently working. I get that. I totally get that.
But why does it have to be at my gym?
Personally, it makes me feel less excited about my gym because it was obviously not Ian Ziering’s first choice of a gym and so it is his “budgetary-conscious” choice of a gym, and the fact that he and Tenacious D‘s Kyle Gass is also working out there makes me wonder if I am a member of a gym populated by declining, cost-conscious stars.
I’m not happy about that, one bit.
Even more disturbing is Ian Ziering’s water-fountain manners. About twenty-minutes later, I approached the water fountain where he was in front of me in line. He was waiting for a third party to finish filling their bottle. As soon as they were, Ian attacked the water fountain with the kind of thirst that only desert-bound survivors exhibit. He leaned in, pushed the button, and slurped his way to a watery heaven that only he was happy about. But above all, there was one particular thing he did that drove a shiver through my body…
He touched his mouth to the spigot, people. He touched his mouth to the spigot.
The first rule of gym/water fountain etiquette is, you don’t touch your mouth to the spigot.. Second rule of gym/water fountain etiquette is, YOU DON’T TOUCH YOUR MOUTH TO THE SPIGOT. Third rule of gym/water fountain etiquette is, if you do touch your mouth to the spigot, I’m probably going to be writing about you touching your mouth to the spigot, but since I’m not talking about you touching your mouth to the spigot, I’m not going against the fourth rule of gym/water fountain etiquette which just happens to be don’t talk about touching your mouth to the spigot..
I’ll probably never watch Beverly Hills, 90210 the same way, ever again.