If I Were Trapped In An Elevator With A Pregnant Woman

If I were trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman, well, we’d both pretty much be screwed.

For one, contrary to popular belief, no matter how many times I have seen people help pregnant women give birth in a trapped elevator on shows ranging from ER to Emergency to a myriad of sitcoms — I still have NO damn idea what to do. All I can figure out, from watching said birthing programs is that as the birthER (not the birthEE), you must follow these guidelines:

1. Say, “Stay calm, this will all be over soon.”
2. Get the woman on her back, spread her legs.
3. Have someone rip up strips of clothing.
4. Find a hot, wet towel somewhere.
5. Put both hands together, like you’re a QB ready for the ball snap.
6. Say, “Stay calm, we’re almost there.”
7. Say, “I see the head,” even when you don’t.
8. Say, “Here it comes! It’s a beautiful baby ____ (insert choice here)!”
9. Let the woman hold her new child.

Yet the problem is, based on such detailed step-by-step birthing instructions which I have gleaned from mainstream television programs — I still have no damn idea of what I should do. Really, I’m totally stifled when it comes to this situation.

Keeping that in mind, if I were trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman, and it was only me and her, I would go through this (very detailed) step of instructions:

1. Find the emergency phone.
2. Pick it up.
3. Yell into it something like, “Ohgodpleasehelpmeohgodpleasehelp!”
4. Panic.
5. Sweat profusely.
6. Say, “Can you keep your legs closed?”

Then again, I might try to escape on my own out the top hatch in the elevator so I could scale my way up to the next available floor via the strong-as-nails elevator cable. I figure, the farther away I could get from the “ticking time bomb” (i.e. baby), the more relaxed I would become, giving me the time to really think through what I would need to do in getting help to the now-solo-trapped pregnant woman in the elevator.

Knowing me, of course, I would probably slip off the cable, fall to my death, and she’d have to give birth all by herself.

But, you know — if she did, all she’d have to do is to refer to my first set of instructions, as gleaned by watching national television programmes — which, at the minimum, would possibly help her feel a little bit better about the situation.

Or not.

11 comments on “If I Were Trapped In An Elevator With A Pregnant Woman

  1. That Guy - January 31, 2005 at 9:53 am -

    Yeah, I have no idea how I’d react in that situation. I have a feeling I’d do more of scenario B that you mentioned, rather then scenario A.

  2. Dawn (webmiztris) - January 31, 2005 at 10:25 am -

    yeah, they always do need a hot towel. What’s up with that?

  3. Erin - January 31, 2005 at 12:19 pm -

    And how do they *find* the hot towel? That’s what I always wondered.

    Don’t worry Pauly, using the “television is life” theory you’d also be stuck with someone who just happened to be a doctor 🙂 No worries!

  4. Pauly D - January 31, 2005 at 12:21 pm -

    Ain’t that the truth! I’d probably find out, at the very last minute, that I was (personally) a doctor!

    Woo-hoo!

  5. steve - January 31, 2005 at 1:56 pm -

    In my sternest voice I would be firmly explaining, “Don’t push. Don’t you dare think about pushing. Don’t even think about it! You’re thinking about it; I can tell. Stop it right now!”

  6. Jenn - January 31, 2005 at 2:47 pm -

    If it really was a tv-like situation it would be twins, she would be grabbing you in areas you don’t want to be grabbed and help would arrive just moments before you passed out. So, you still get out of the situation…limping but without having to birth a baby!

  7. meghan - January 31, 2005 at 7:24 pm -

    The great thing about birth; it’s supposed to happen without assistance. it was designed that way by nature. Granted, the mom and kid probably wouldn’t survive without help, but hell, that’s what survival of the fittest is all about, right. Just sit in the corner and hope for the best. Hope you’re not wearing white.

  8. Pauly D - January 31, 2005 at 8:52 pm -

    Well, I don’t know exactly what you mean by that, Jenn — but I do like the idea of TWINS.

  9. Kathleen - January 31, 2005 at 9:49 pm -

    and guys think girls are the weaker ones…

  10. Pauly D - January 31, 2005 at 9:53 pm -

    Are you kidding me? Guys are SO the weaker ones. But you know what — I embrace my weaker-ness compared to women and hope they take advantage of that weakness in EXACTLY the way I hope they do.

    You know, in regards to the whole elevator pregnant woman baby delivering thing.

  11. Amethyst Rainn - February 1, 2005 at 12:01 pm -

    Ya know, I was wondering about where to find the hot towel also. But if a person got desperate, he/she could probably rip off an article of clothing and sit on it, so that way it would at least be warm. Pauly if you did this, you could sit in the corner as suggested and if the woman curses at you for sitting there, just explain that you are warming the towel. This ensures that the baby has something warm to be swaddled in after it is born. She’ll probably still be pissed, and you may need to cover your ears if the language offends you – but at least YOU’LL feel better.

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