Today’s Thoughts on Elliptical Machine Excuses

You’d think that when someone was at the gym (yes, actually there after waking up and battling fatigue and cold and motivational issues) and actually stepping away on one of those elliptical machines, that thoughts would turn to the beat of the music or the day’s events or the news on the TV screen.

But alas, it does not.

Instead, I find myself trying to come up with a variety of excuses for why I have already exceeded the 20 minute elliptical limit that has been set forth by the phantom “owners” of said establishment. For if someone were to stand behind my rising and falling body and if they were to spy that I had already been on said machine for more than the 20 minute elliptical limit, well then, they’re probably going to come up and ask me one of the following questions…

You almost done?
You wrapping it up?
How long do you have left?
You know the 20 minute rule, right?
Why must you be so inconsiderate?

…well, that would simply stress me out and cause me to never actually meet my personal goal of 50 minutes on the elliptical machine.

Basically, YOU (phantom 20 minute elliptical rule enforcer), are ruining my life and my motivation. And as a result of this, I must continually think up excuses for why I am still on said machine past 20 minutes in case you decide to disrupt my “stride.”

I just got on, just didn’t reset the last person’s counter-clock.
That’s weird! This machine must be messed up!

[Cover time with towel, blocking timer.]
Sorry, no speaka ingleis.
What!? I can’t hear you! I’ve got headphones on!

Me: Yes, I’m having fun. Thanks!
Them: NO! Are you wrapping it up!?
Me: No, no cup. I prefer to drink out of the water fountain.
Them: You know the 20 minute rule?
Me: No, they don’t have a pool. Just a sauna.

But even worse than the vocal 20 minute rule enforcer elliptical police force commanders, are the lurking quiet 20 minute elliptical guilt-crews. Wherest they find you exceeding 20 minutes, they will sit or stand behind you — periodically letting out SIGHS so loud that it sounds like there’s a gas leak somewhere. Just waiting. Sitting. Ruining my damn rhythm. And if you’ve don’t got rhythm on an elliptical machine — you’re just plain screwed.


(Did you ever notice that if someone typed SCREW-ED with a hyphen there in the middle it could actually mean, “Screw the Editor” instead of just plain “screwed?” Yeah, I know. Weiiiird.)

But I digress.

My thoughts today on elliptical machine excuses will now conclude with a variety of phrases I wanted to use in this post but that didn’t seem to work for it. These are free for you to use in your blog posts as long as when you use them you provide a link (on the word itself) to this post:

Gripping the quid
Grissling the bulb
Caramel Dreams
Instantaneous Chestpump
Little Miss Buggery Jones

Thank you. Thank you very much.

6 comments on “Today’s Thoughts on Elliptical Machine Excuses

  1. C(h)ristine - January 30, 2005 at 10:43 am -

    This is when you save up your money and buy one at home — not the Tony Gazelle (sp?) kind, the real kind. And you can ellipticize into oblivion — beyond 20 minutes, beyond an hour!

    Weeks later you will have a rock hard gluteus maximus the size of J.Lo’s (nay, bigger!) and people will be standing behind you, commenting with large sighs and “ahems” and you will be a cautionary tale about the dangers of elliptical trainers.

    So maybe the 20 minute rule is for your protection after all!

  2. C(h)ristine - January 30, 2005 at 10:47 am -

    oh p.s. I am sorry — J.Lo isn’t calling herself that anymore. I should have said: Jennifer Lopez

  3. Pauly D - January 30, 2005 at 1:02 pm -

    Sure, but if the elliptical is in my house, I will take breaks to answer the phone and eat eggs and watch TV or just go back to bed for five minutes, which will, in turn — screw up everything.

    Home gyms do not work. They don’t. Really, trust me on this. Bad idea.

  4. Katherine - January 30, 2005 at 8:20 pm -

    In the Midwest, we move at least 5 minutes slower than other cities. That must explain why we get 25 minutes.

  5. charm - January 31, 2005 at 12:39 pm -

    Home gyms definitely don’t work. My elliptical machine doubles as a clothes hanger when I’m doing the laudry.

  6. Esther - February 2, 2005 at 7:44 pm -

    Dude, New Yorkers get 30 minutes.

    But if someone exceeds the time limit, we bust a cap in his ass.

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