Today’s Prognosis on Ridiculous Break-ups

There are people out there, right this minute, breaking up with their boyfriends/girlfriends and significant others.

And the reasons they’re giving are, well how should I put this…insane.

I once knew a girl who sat down with me and told me about the two times she broke up with guys who she was digging-on. There was the time she was desperately in love with a guy with whom she’d been hanging out with for five months. One day, they decided to go to Magic Mountain (a Los Angeles based Six Flags Amusement Park). A few hours into their visit, they approached a roller coaster. Well, he wanted to ride it but she didn’t. And so, she decided she’d watch him from the sidelines as he rode the metal monster.

There she sat, watching the roller coaster rise up and down, thinking about how in love she was with this guy — the roller coaster went up and down, and as it flipped upside down she looked up and caught a glimpse of her boyfriend. There he was, hanging upside down, hair sticking out in all directions. It was about the time she thought to herself:

“Ugh. He’s not really even that good looking at all.”

She broke up with him the next day.

There was the time she spent the night (for the first time) at her new boyfriend’s apartment. In the morning, as she was using his bathroom, she opened the medicine cabinet. There, in plain view, was a box of “Generic Q-Tips.” In one quick flash, she envisioned her whole life with him — generic products, cheap furniture, a life of being tight with the dollar.

She broke up with him the next day.

Yes, she was insane. Yes, her reasons were ludicrous. But, the reality of it all is that people are breaking up with their boyfriends and girlfriends and wives and husbands and partners for reasons like these and others (culled from stories I have heard), which include:

Having man hands.
Smacking their gum.
Being over-emotional.
Smelling like beef jerky.
Not being able to sing Karaoke.
Sleep talking.
Having flourescent colored nails.
Liking the 80’s band, “The Outfield.”
Believing Michael Jackson is innocent.
Skipping.
Looking too much like ones’ siblings.
Watching nothing but cartoons.
Sleeping in a sleeping bag.
Having a weird laugh.
Dancing strangely.
Loving to use the phrase “fair to Midland” repeatedly.
Hard-boiled egg eater.

Yes, there are more. I’m sure all of you could pony up a few. But in the end, doesn’t it all just go to show you that people don’t break up with other people because of the above reasons, but they do it simply because, well, these people they’re dating…quite simply bore them.

If people were really honest, wouldn’t they just say that?

I think so.

16 comments on “Today’s Prognosis on Ridiculous Break-ups

  1. steve - January 27, 2005 at 9:37 am -

    Pauly,

    This clearly being a cry for help — I think that I speak for the entire WFME community when I offer emotional support for “your friend.” We all hope that you, uh, I mean, “your friend” gets through this with as little emotional baggage as possible. That is, of course, unless that you plan on sharing embarrassing stories. If that is the case, we wish all the pain that a writer can endure (and still live to scribe the events)….

  2. groovebunny - January 27, 2005 at 11:44 am -

    Does this make me shallow?

    I once broke up with a guy I was dating because he smelled like fish. And it wasn’t just like on the rare occassion. He smelt of fish 24 hours a day. Also, there was one other reason, he was pinkie sized…the combination of the two, I just could not get over and it seemed to me also totally ironic. I just couldn’t. To spare his feelings, I told him I was moving away and didn’t want to have a long distance relationship. But don’t feel sorry for him. He found lasting love with a girl with a smelling impediment and who also is prudish and not interested in having sex, so size of his manhood doesn’t matter.

  3. jimi - January 27, 2005 at 11:53 am -

    Wait, didn’t she smell like soup? Not like beef jerky? I mean she smelled exactly like beef-vegetable soup.

    Ot there is always being in the mafia (the Cosa-Nostra to be specific), or being a clepto (with a particular fondness for my heart and my cat)…

    (Yeah i am unoriginal, but when there was an entire scene about the topic of your post in a pretty darn funny movie, you at least have to acknowledge it…)

  4. Kathleen - January 27, 2005 at 1:41 pm -

    I don’t get the picture of the jerky.

  5. meghan - January 27, 2005 at 5:28 pm -

    All of those stupid little reasons for breaking-up with someone are really just stupid little excuses to be unhappy. Some people can’t understand why someone would love them and they push people away that care for them. Not that I’VE done that, or anything…

  6. Jane - January 27, 2005 at 6:26 pm -

    I don’t know, that “fair to Midland” thing is pretty close to being a deal-breaker. My husband is on thin ice over “six or one half dozen of another.”

  7. Pauly D - January 27, 2005 at 7:02 pm -

    Kat – the jerky goes with the excuses for breaking up with someone, jerky is one of those reasons.

    As for “six of one, half a dozen of another”, Jane, I am SO there with you.

    And Meghan, I know you’re breaking hearts left and right for INSANE reasons. Fess up.

  8. Lord of Doom - January 27, 2005 at 9:13 pm -

    The must stupid reason a girl ever gave to me for dumping me was because she felt we were:

    Growing apart and she felt we wanted different things in life.

    (I still have no fucking idea what she meant – do you?)

  9. Lord of Doom - January 27, 2005 at 9:14 pm -

    Oh yeah – How could I forget – the most fucking stupid was that:

    She had a new boyfriend.

  10. Kathleen - January 28, 2005 at 8:09 am -

    oh, I see…smelling like beef jerky, duh.
    I once became uninterested when a guy I dated had to wear special glasses when he drove.
    Is that bad?

  11. Jane - January 28, 2005 at 8:51 am -

    My brother broke up with a girl once because she was cooking him a nice steak dinner. He called me from the living room, whispering, to tell me so.

  12. amandarin - January 28, 2005 at 8:05 pm -

    I once dated a Jehovah’s Witness who broke up with me because he “couldn’t bear the thought that (I) wouldn’t pass through the gates of Eternity with (him) after Armageddon.”

    I couldn’t exactly argue that point…

  13. BREM - January 29, 2005 at 12:18 pm -

    The little things that annoy me depend on who is doing it. i broke up with a girl once because i couldn’t stand her breath. When the girl i’m infatuated with smacks her gums while chewing, i think it’s cute(in a towny sort of way) and it make me horny. When my father smacks his gums while chewing, its like fingernails on a chalk board, and it’s all i can do to keep from ripping of his head with my bare hand and burying it in the backyard. So i conclude, if i want to sleep with a girl, annoying things are a turn-on. When i’ve already slept with them annoying things are a turnoff. If i don’t want to sleep with them (ie incest) then annoying things trigger homicidal impulses. Am i insane?

  14. cassandra - September 27, 2005 at 4:32 am -

    Some of us experience a lot of break ups maybe because they usually get involved with the wrong persons. The question about Mr./Ms. Right is always important before entering a relationship. for if we get into a relationship with the right people, our romance surely will grow and get deeper. But when we ealize we ended up with the wrong guy or girl, then, maybe it’s time to think about letting go of the relationship.

  15. heather - November 8, 2005 at 1:21 am -

    There’s bound to be a breaking point in every relationship, but I didn’t think it would be over petty little things such as the ones you mentioned. You have to consider that what you’re breaking is not a glass, or wood, or concrete (can you break that?) but a real person’s heart. I can’t imagine myself breaking it off with my partner just because he bites his nails occasionally.

  16. Donna - February 8, 2007 at 11:08 am -

    He broke up with me last night. You have to hear this: He broke up with me because “he loved me too much.” He moved away from his wife a month ago, got his own place, and wanted to “make things more permanent” with me by moving in with me. I said that I didn’t want that at this time but would consider it later and he said he was ready now and that he would have to find someone else so he could progress in his life. THIS after 3 years.

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