If I Were Trapped In An Elevator With A Pregnant Woman

If I were trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman, well, we’d both pretty much be screwed.

For one, contrary to popular belief, no matter how many times I have seen people help pregnant women give birth in a trapped elevator on shows ranging from ER to Emergency to a myriad of sitcoms — I still have NO damn idea what to do. All I can figure out, from watching said birthing programs is that as the birthER (not the birthEE), you must follow these guidelines:

Today’s Thoughts on Elliptical Machine Excuses

You’d think that when someone was at the gym (yes, actually there after waking up and battling fatigue and cold and motivational issues) and actually stepping away on one of those elliptical machines, that thoughts would turn to the beat of the music or the day’s events or the news on the TV screen.

But alas, it does not.

Instead, I find myself trying to come up with a variety of excuses for why I have already exceeded the 20 minute elliptical limit that has been set forth by the phantom “owners” of said establishment. For if someone were to stand behind my rising and falling body and if they were to spy that I had already been on said machine for more than the 20 minute elliptical limit, well then, they’re probably going to come up and ask me one of the following questions…

L.A. Words

Sometimes when you wake up in the morning, you don’t expect you’ll find yourself digging through the garbage later that night.

Of course, when I returned to the homestead tonight I found myself faced with numerous messages from people giving me shit for being quoted in a front-page article in today’s Calendar section of the Los Angeles Times.

The article (which you may or may not be able to pull up due to pay subscription issues over at LATimes.com), was written in response to an article I wrote on LAist about a gaudy building here in Los Angeles that is such an eyesore that it should be torn down.

Digital Words

For those who refuse to leave their homes for fear of the infamous “germs” and other life-threatening illnesses, my piece This Smartbot is a Smartass in the Feburary issue of Wired Magazine is now available for your perusal here, online.

It’s also amusing to hear what people have done with SmarterChild after reading about it in the mag. Some amusing entries are here and here.

In other news, my monkey is going to be contributing to WFME starting Monday. As a primer for you being able to understand some of his more complicated monkey-talk, here’s a cheat sheet:

Ook: Hey
Eek: Yeaaah!
Ook-eek: Hey, yeah!
Screech: Wow!
Ook-eek, screech!: Hey, yeah! Wow!
(Sighing sound): I’m tired.
Ook-eek, screech! (Sighing sound): Hey, yeah! Wow! I’m tired.

Words For Your Enjoyment: Smurfs

There’s really no way to lead up to it.

Today’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” has been creatively supplied by none-other than WFME’s resident blog antagonist, Steve. Here to keep me honest, he has provided me with the question to end all questions… Steve asks WFYE, “Which Smurf would you be?”

Hoo boy.

There is like no question whatsoever that if I had the opportunity to be a Smurf, that I would so be Smurfette.

There’s a really easy mentality here, but to put it all into perspective, please peruse the following list of all of the Smurfs ever in existence: Papa Smurf, Lazy Smurf, Handy Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf, Tailor Smurf, Farmer Smurf, Dreamy Smurf, Harmony Smurf, Painter Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Vanity Smurf, Jokey Smurf, Poet Smurf, Grouchy Smurf, Baker Smurf, Greedy Smurf, Snappy Smurf, Slouchy Smurf, Baby Smurf and Grandpa Smurf. What do they all have in common?