How To Be A Blog Stalker (Or, Blokker)

Being a real stalker in the real world is a dangerous line to walk.

You’ve seen what happens to those people on the evening news and entertainment programs. They end up getting arrested, going to jail, ruining their lives and the lives of their friends and family. And all because they broke into so-and-so’s house, or followed so-and-so around town, or sent evil letters talking about being together forever to so-and-so.

But being a blog stalker (or “blokker”) is a different thing altogether.

I can currently write this post because I have two very unique blog stalkers that I would like to talk about. To not be gender biased, I have chosen to pick a male and female blog stalker. You’ll see, when it’s all been laid out — being a blog stalker is something you can learn to do in your spare time, doesn’t require much cash, and really…honestly, probably can’t get you arrested.

(Insert singing choir of angels, here.)

Profile #1
Name: Bethany
Age: 23
Location: Unknown
Trademark Phrase: “I know what you know so don’t think you’re fooling anyone.”

(Note: First of all, it’s obvious to me that the name Bethany is perfect for a blog stalker. In fact if you are female and have any of the following names, you have a great point to start from: Bridgette, Heather, Karen, Chastity, Steph (only the short form, not the entire name ‘Stephanie’), Liberty, Kiki, Jeanette and/or Marsha.)

Her Angle: Bethany’s issues relate to the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about, ever. If I write a post about Magic Eye puzzles (perhaps), Bethany is quick to chime in and tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about or that Magic Eye puzzles are real and I have horrible eyesight. Bethany is usually quick to tell me what her mother thinks, (i.e., “she thinks you don’t know what you’re talking about”) and that I have no future in this world (“you have no future in this world”).

Blokker Actions: In addition to telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about, Bethany will send e-mails almost daily to tell me how I’ve steered the WFME public in the wrong direction. Bethany will send me musical flash greeting cards on a weekly basis saying the same thing. Bethany will send me sample addresses she THINKS are my addresses in trying to figure out where I live. Bethany has also tracked me down on a variety of sites (Friendster, etc) and tried to get me in those locations, too. Bethany is desperate to find out what’s on my wish list, I can only assume to find out what my address is…again.

Most Recent Tirade: “…Bee stings are not dangerous! What do you think you’re doing, trying to make people scared. My mother says bee stings are only dangerous if you have no immune systeem and if you have no immune system you are not human and you shouldn’t be scaring people anyway. I got a bee sting once and as you can plainly see I am fine so that just shows what you know anyway. Hope you’re doing well!!”

Profile #2
Name: Kirk
Age: 41
Location: Unknown
Trademark Phrase: “I’m coming to L.A. to become a writer…pretty soon I think.”

(Note: Kirk is an obviously-good name for a blog stalker. In fact if you are male and have any of the following names, you have a great point to start from, as well: Damian, Christopher (long-form, not Chris), Spencer, Damon, Dick (not Richard), Fernando, Francis, Cole, Norbert, and/or Herman.)

His Angle: Kirk wants to be my “writing partner.” Kirk has gone on and on sending me his most recent ideas for a variety of projects. From his Vampire/Sex/Comedy/Action-Adventure set in 221 B.C., to his movie about nothing (“…and then halfway through when you think something’s about to happen, it doesn’t!”), Kirk is a well-meaning guy who always seems just about ready to come to Los Angeles, but things are always stalling the process. And that makes him mad at himself and (for some reason) at me.

Blokker Actions: In addition to sending me a variety of movie and TV ideas for projects he’s “been working on”, Kirk will also direct me to the latest Entertainment News on a daily basis. Whether it’s via Variety or The Hollywood Reporter — Kirk continually must share the fact that everything being made and/or being sold in L.A. was his idea first. He will send me e-mails every other day asking me what I can do to help him “sue the bastards” who “stole his genius ideas.”

Most Recent Tirade: “…and if you think Steve Martin in The Pink Panther was a studio idea you have got to be kidding me Pauly because I was sitting watching the original movies like four years ago when it hit me — I have so got to make a remake of that movie and put someone funny into it like a Mike Myers or a Steve Martin!! DUH! I sent an email back then to someone at a studio and I never heard back but you can see why. I know you know people, so can you help me get to the bottom of this one?”

As you can see — my current “blokkers” are not necessarily harmful to me. They are not showing up outside my front door. They are not sending me bunny rabbits in the mail. They are simply e-mailing and contacting me on a daily basis, every day, sometimes 5 to 7 times a day requesting things, demanding things and/or telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Is it bad? Harmful? Harassment? Naw. No and No. But is it annoying?

I’ll let you be the judge of that one.

(P.S. — Bethany and Kirk… I LOVE YOU GUYS.)

14 comments on “How To Be A Blog Stalker (Or, Blokker)

  1. Hilary - December 27, 2004 at 9:50 am -

    Pauly, would you like me to find Bethany and Kirk then kick their asses?

  2. Pauly D - December 27, 2004 at 9:57 am -

    You don’t have to hurt them — just encourage them to find a bunch of new friends.

  3. Hilary - December 27, 2004 at 11:06 am -

    Consider it done.

  4. monkeyinabox - December 27, 2004 at 1:31 pm -

    Dang my alias’ are blown again!!

  5. groovebunny - December 27, 2004 at 2:51 pm -

    Blehhh! Blog stalkers are annoying. I have one who likes to email me on a daily basis to let me know what he’s wearing. And really, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with that information lol. Is it possible to block their IP addresses or email addresses from reaching your email?

  6. Amy - December 27, 2004 at 4:22 pm -

    At least Amy was not a name on the list. Maybe you don’t know what you are talking about?!?!?!

  7. roboto - December 27, 2004 at 4:37 pm -

    As long as the blog stalkers don’t call you ugly, you should be able to live with them. That’s the sharpest sword in the mean stalker arsenal.

  8. Dawn (webmiztris) - December 27, 2004 at 4:58 pm -

    I heart my blog stalkers!

    Of course, my stalkers apparently aren’t as hard-core as yours. 😉

  9. Mou - December 27, 2004 at 5:34 pm -

    It’s a good thing i have none of your “friends”. Consdier yourself a minor celebrity to these two people.

  10. chase - December 27, 2004 at 11:43 pm -

    Oh no. You’re so dead.

  11. Denise - December 28, 2004 at 4:21 pm -

    Well, at least I know that when I have blokkers I will have made it.

  12. […] Sure, celebrities spend millions of dollars per year on lawyers who spend their time filing restraining orders on those who just want to share their love for you…with you. Stalkers and obsessive fans who have created a ten foot high collage of your face out of thousands of tiny pictures of your face (it’s an art unto itself) are quickly yanked back from their passions by Johnny Lawman. […]

  13. […] I have enough trouble remembering a phone number when I’m on with information. And if I can’t do that, how do you expect me to remember which code to use in which situation at what time during which month with or without daylight savings? Last night was a perfect example when my home alarm system (which is extremely well-fortified for all those wannabe stalkers) went off and I got the call from the alarm system home office: […]

  14. Mink - December 9, 2007 at 10:50 pm -

    Hahahaha! Wow, I just found this article and I’ve had a Bethany for years. She still comments on my site.

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