Drinking Coffee With Macaulay Culkin

Ok, maybe not with.

Maybe it was more like “drinking coffee next to Macaulay Culkin. But either way, what started as a next-to coffee-drinking experience, quickly evolved into a day around Beverly Hills, California. It was something I would have never expected, nor believed — and so I understand if you feel the same way.

It started, somewhat innocently. I was drinking my Coffee Bean Vanilla Blended when Mac sat down next to me in a long trenchcoat, jeans and a white t-shirt that said, “Doh!” on it. He was drinking something hot, as the steam was rising from the top of the cup. He looked at me and in that split second my sense-of-humor took hold and I slapped both hands to my face, giving him the trademark Home Alone look that has probably haunted him his entire life.

He laughed and said, “That is sooooo wrong, it’s funny.”

We got to talking. Not about his acting and not about my writing, but about the funny things people talk about. We talked about lincoln logs, legos, oranges, flexible drinking straws, dogs that do not shed, sunglasses that allow you to see behind you, seals, the singer Seal, making wax seals for the back of your personalized stationary, stationary bikes, the Segway personal moving technology, why rats don’t make good pets, and finally — cheese.

Mac, strangely enough, does not like “Mac and Cheese” and I was horrified that I even asked him about it. But again, the guy has a great sense-of-humor so it didn’t matter.

Then, things got interesting.

I finished my drink and so did Mac and then he asks me if I want to go with him to the local Toys R’ Us where he has to pick up some presents for the holidays. I ask him if he’s sure, and he’s totally cool about it.

“You made me laugh, man. Why would I want that to end?”

Cool guy, right?

Flash forward about 45 minutes later — Mac and me have gone through the local Toys R’ Us store, he’s already got two baskets filled with stuff (where’d all this money come from – I thought his dad stole all his money?) and then we are getting ready to check out when we pass this bin filled with nerf balls and huge nerf bats.

So, what do I do? In a playful mood I pick up a nerf bat and I clock Mac in what was supposed to be his shoulder. Instead, it knocks him hard in the neck/chin, and the world completely comes to a screeching halt.

Mac: “What the hell did you just do?”

Me: “Sorry, man! S’all good!”

Mac: “No, it’s not all good.”

Me: “Hey, chill. It’s only nerf. It’s not like I hit you with an alumnium bat or something.”

Mac: “You hit me in the neck.”

Me: “Don’t be such a wuss, Mac.”

Mac: “My estranged father used to call me a wuss, Paul.”

This, of course, was the moment where my sense-of-humor went a little too far. I threw my hands up to my face, slapping both cheeks like that scene in Home Alone and yelled, “DOH!”

Here’s a rebus puzzle for you: Home Alone + Mocking Mac’s T-Shirt Logo = Having to Take a Taxi Back To My Car at the Coffee Shop.

Apparently, Mac has some weird neck thing going on, that I can’t even begin to try and figure out. And even on the ride back to my car, alone — I didn’t care much. I got to spend the afternoon with a child star…and got to hit him in the face with a bat.

In Los Angeles, that’s a very rare occurence. Especially without someone filing charges.

14 comments on “Drinking Coffee With Macaulay Culkin

  1. srah - November 30, 2004 at 9:29 pm -

    Hmmmm… Macaulay Culkin and I were born on the same day and I have always felt a bond there… if he has crazy-insane neck-phobias, I feel even closer to him!

  2. Pauly D - November 30, 2004 at 9:32 pm -

    Awww, you guys are like TWINS!

  3. Michele - December 1, 2004 at 12:09 am -

    Nah uh!! That can not be a true story. Either you’re a very creative guy – I mean who would just dream up coffee with an 80s child star, a trip to Toys-R-Us and whacking him in the neck?

    Or!!! It did happen…and that would be truly bizarre.

    I just stumbled upon your site. You’re very funny. I know that from this story and that you have David Sedaris’s book listed.

    P.S. this story just about beats my getting getting drunk with, passing out on and being carried home by John Cusak story.

  4. drew - December 1, 2004 at 6:59 am -

    You’re a stronger soul than I, Paul. If I had been able to deliver one solid Mac-whack, bloodlust would probably have set in and I would’ve wound up going to town on him a la Michael Bolton’s beat-down of the printer in Office Space.

  5. Principessa - December 1, 2004 at 1:22 pm -

    This is the most out-there, strange thing. When I read your title, I never expected this ending. Hilarious.

  6. Dawn (webmiztris) - December 1, 2004 at 1:41 pm -

    On behalf of everyone, thank you, Pauly, for putting the Macdown on him.

  7. Brian - December 1, 2004 at 3:14 pm -

    Reminds me of the time Paul and I saw Eddie Money at the Lafayette Reservoir, and we argued over whether it was really Eddie Money, so we went up to him, asked if he was really Eddie Money, he nodded yes, to which I said “see, I told you it was Eddie Money!!!” Ok, those stories aren’t similar at all.

  8. Pauly D - December 1, 2004 at 4:39 pm -

    That’s TRUE — we DID see Eddie Money!

    It was AWESOME. And cool to know that Eddie Money, just like us normal folks, loves PADDLE BOATS!

  9. Kevin - December 1, 2004 at 5:53 pm -

    I’m sorry Michele…are you being really rude, or just plain facetious? I can’t imagine “stumbling” across someone’s blog and then in your first ever comment to them basically calling them a “liar” (quotes mine). Why would you do that? Did Paul insult you? Maybe a jilted lover? I don’t know what’s going on here, but frankly it smacks of meddling and/or a conspiracy. I hope you think about this.

  10. Kathleen - December 1, 2004 at 7:06 pm -

    Who needs FPJ, SMG, and DF? There’s your new best friend Pauly.

  11. Kristi - December 2, 2004 at 12:17 pm -

    Pauly, I’m so disappointed in you! You were in a store full of “Home Alone”-like props and you don’t think to grab and scatter little matchbox cars in front of Mac’s path so he could slip and fall a’la Joe Pesci in the movie?!?!?

    Boy, you really had your chance, Paul- and you just let it slip away. Now you’ll just have to live with the thought of what could have been…

  12. A Socialite's Life - December 1, 2004 at 5:15 pm -

    A Visit To Toys ‘R’ Us With Macaulay Culkin

    This is one of the most amusing stories I’ve read in along time. A tip if you get the chance to go to a Toys ‘R’ Us with “Mac,” don’t hit him in the face with a Nerf baseball bat.In a playful mood I pick up a nerf bat and I clock Mac in what was suppo…

  13. A Socialite's Life - March 27, 2005 at 2:01 pm -

    A Visit To Toys ‘R’ Us With Macaulay Culkin

    This is one of the most amusing stories I’ve read in along time. A tip if you get the chance to go to a Toys ‘R’ Us with “Mac,” don’t hit him in the face with a Nerf baseball bat.In a playful mood I pick up a nerf bat and I clock Mac in what was suppo…

  14. laura - April 6, 2006 at 11:29 am -

    paul… how could you do that …. i lruvvvvv mac hes the best!

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