Why Peas Suck

Let’s face it — any food that explodes in your mouth when you put pressure on it from all sides with your molars, can’t be all that good.

Sure, there are other “explode-in-your-mouth” foods that also gross me out like certain hard-boiled egg things and caviar and gum with seeping radioactive juice inside of it. But peas? C’mon people. No matter how you cook them, no matter how they’re served, they are the grossest food item on the face of the Earth.

There are, indeed, certain ways you can eat peas (if you want the nutrition) that will help you bypass the exploding-feature of the vegetable. You can often, with Cup o’ Noodle soups, simply swallow the peas without ever chewing them. In some scenarios, you can hide them inside other food items so that their noxious taste never reaches your nose. I often like to pick them out of said food item, place them on the table, then flick them onto the floor or into the garbage where they will never touch my lips.

Pea soup sucks too.

Pea soup is the equivalent of taking the inner-explosive juice of a nuclear bomb, then making a soup out of it. It’s like taking the juice from the inside of ANY food item and making it into a soup. Ick. Like, who would ever take the inside juices of a food item (e.g., chicken, tomatoes, etc) and make them into some kind of hot liquid food item. It’s just sick, that’s what it is.

Finally, people don’t like to eat food items that come in small packages. Think about all the little beady, sphere-like food items and think about how popular they are:

Rat Turds

Three food items. That’s all there are. And do you know why? Because small little round pellets are not food, they are the things that come out of animals once they have digested food. Caviar is both (a) too expensive to make sense to eat and (b) eggs that come out of a fish’s behind. Rat turds are the same, yet the rich people are “too smart” to try and sell that one to the public. And peas?

They just plain suck.

8 comments on “Why Peas Suck

  1. sarah - November 29, 2004 at 9:26 am -

    I always hated peas – now after having an allergy test done (i am supposedly highly allergic to them), i never have to make up excuses why i wont eat them 🙂

  2. Andrea - November 29, 2004 at 10:51 am -

    You should replace “rat turds” with something edible and useful. Try salmon roe.

    But you’re right. Peas suck.

  3. Erin - November 29, 2004 at 11:31 am -

    Incidentally, how do you feel about corn?

  4. Jeff B - November 29, 2004 at 3:00 pm -


    Peas as a snack food. Damn hippies.

  5. Dawn (webmiztris) - November 29, 2004 at 4:29 pm -

    Awwww, I like the radioactive pea juice.

    Myself? I stay away from things with a loogie texture.

    Like oysters.

  6. srah - November 29, 2004 at 7:14 pm -

    … I love peas. My mom made a Thanksgiving II on Sunday just so that I could have them. Poor little peas. :'(

  7. Pauly D - November 30, 2004 at 10:17 am -

    Awww, poor little peas.

    They are so discriminated against.

  8. Bill - January 21, 2007 at 2:11 pm -

    I loathe peas with an intensity and fury rarely seen. I love food and wine and eat lots of veggies. I’ll eat broccoli or just about anything else but peas. My wife doesn’t understand it but I assure you our kids will not be subjected to the horrors of peas that I was.

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