Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice

You may or may not have heard yet about the debacle on SNL this past weekend when singer Ashlee Simpson (sister of Jessica) was caught lip-synching to her songs when the “sound-people” accidentally played the wrong studio-engineered track. Although Ashlee sadly blamed it on “her band playing the wrong song” it was in fact the result of a lip-synch cover-up.

WFME was lucky enough to get a few minutes with Ashlee Simpson’s singing voice (via telephone), who was already distancing herself from the situation for fear of being involved in another Milli Vanilli nightmare.

Me: Hi, Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice.

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Hi, Paul. Thanks for having me here.

The Bed, Bath, Beyond Factor

Currently, right this minute, there are identical arguments happening between married men and women, boyfriends and girlfriends and life partners at your local Bed, Bath & Beyond store.

They cannot agree upon which bathroom shower curtain to buy.

He wonders if this one would be good. She scoffs at him as if to say he is the stupidest man on the face of the Earth. She holds up one. He wonders how much it is. She says it is not too much. He says that they shouldn’t spend that much on a shower curtain that they may someday replace with a door. She says that won’t be for a year or so and why not enjoy a good shower curtain at least for that time. He holds up a plastic bubble shower curtain. She asks him if he is kidding. He returns a tone of voice that communicates he is not. She asks him to stop fooling around. He tells her he isn’t.

You Think I’m Asleep In My Bed, But I’m Not

There’s a lump…check!
There’s movement…check!
There’s breathing sounds…check!

Yet if you were to move close to my bed, rip the covers back much in the way that a amateur-magician rips the tablecloth off a table leaving all the objects in place, you would find that I am not even there asleep under the covers but that I have, yet again, duped you into thinking that I’m asleep in my bed.

But I am not.

People always talk so highly about heart-doctors and lawyers and people who volunteer for the Peace Corps, but when do they ever take the time to speak highly of people like me? People who can, in less than 15 minutes flat, design their bed so that any strangers entering said bedroom will think that there’s someone in R.E.M. sleep mode under the covers? It’s an area of study just like History, Math and Science. It’s a skill, people.

Words For Your Enjoyment: Little Black Books

[Insert typical welcome message here, welcoming readers to yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment.” Communicate excitement and intrigue, drawing the readers into the depths that is comical satire.]

This week, Andrea asks the question, “Little black books. What does it reveal about someone?”

Oh, little black books. These days, people walking around with them are probably either big, huge, obsessive fans of Happy Days and the lifestyle choices of The Fonz, or they’re really self-conscious about themselves. Why else would someone walk around making sure you know that they have a little black book “filled with numbers” from strange women (or men) they’ve met at a bar, the supermarket, at a party and/or through friends.

Gum Smack-Talking: The Interview

Earlier today you may have noticed a comment on an older WFME post called “Building a Better Piece of Gum”. The post in question wondered aloud about the size and taste coefficient of gum and the comment received was this:

“HELLO Dumbasses!

Trident and Orbitz and Wrigleys and tons of companys put artificial sweeteners in their gum.. These artificial sweeteners cause many symptoms…Aspartame causes 92 known symptoms and i’m sure the other artificial sweetners out there cause just as many. I’d advise you to get off those brands of gum..oh and BubbleTape. OK well I hope you guys are smart enough to get off it.”