Words For Your Enjoyment: Boba Milk Tea

Don’t people who laugh constantly, consistently and with no stopping point in sight make you very very very very very nervous? Me too, but that has nothing to do with today’s “Words For Your Enjoyment.”

For this week’s question, Fabian writes, “Today I bought a Boba Milk Tea for my wife. She loves them. I find them peculiar and somewhat tiresome. Where do you stand on Boba Milk Tea?”

Personally, I don’t find Boba Milk Tea to be “tiresome” but I do find Boba Milk Tea to be freaky. In fact, I feel as though Boba Milk Tea is the perfect drink for Halloween. Why?

Imagine getting up one morning and going to the fridge for a nice big cup o’ milk. You sit down with the paper, hold the glass of milk up to your mouth, start to drink the simple, clean substance and then all of a sudden a group of twenty-two black balls rush into your gullet!!!! Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff that just entered your mouth? Big black bugs? Turds? Rubber bee-bees of some kind?

No, they’re tapioca balls.

Still, the idea of making a milk tea and then dumping a handful of chewy black balls into the bottom, and then giving you a straw so that said referenced chewy black balls have no problem getting sucked up that straw, causing you to have to choke and chew in an attempt to satisfy your thirst — well, it’s a problem. It’s the equivalent of adding a little plastic ziploc baggie of milk in the middle of a loaf of bread. Or like putting one of those huge gummy lizard things in the middle of a turkey. Liquid is meant to be liquid. It is called a “drink” because you drink it.

You should not have to “eat a drink” or “sip a food item.” This is why when you go to eat some kind of food and it oozes liquid, it is not appealing. This is why, when you go to easily swallow a liquid drink and chewy black balls invade your throat — it becomes the freakiest drink on the face of the Earth.

There are people with differing points of opinion. People who LOVE to chew. There are actual people who have said to me, “Paul, I love to chew!” I don’t get it. I guess they’re the same people who buy all that beef jerky, but then again, I don’t hang around with beef jerky chewers so I couldn’t really elaborate on the whole process.

Eating should be eating and drinking should be drinking and that is why Boba Milk Tea is WFME’s nominated drink for this year’s Halloween. It is a scary, freaky, eerie, stupid drink that I will never ever drink again.

P.S. — Don’t ask me about the new bio-engineered Boba Pudding drinks which contain a fruity drinkable pudding filled with balls of tapioca and some kind of creamy whipped substance on top. Any discussion of such a monstrosity will cause me to gag.

Gag.

10 comments on “Words For Your Enjoyment: Boba Milk Tea

  1. Andrea - October 29, 2004 at 10:11 am -

    Okay, Boba milk tea, wheat grass something or other, that orange juice that is the nectar of the God only available in CA (it seems)…y’all just have some weird beverages on the other side of the Mississippi.

    Good choice for the official Halloween drink, though! I’ll be sure not to try one.

  2. Hilary - October 29, 2004 at 12:09 pm -

    Pauly I am so with you on this one. Boba = gross. It’s just that simple.

  3. C(h)ristine - October 29, 2004 at 1:13 pm -

    I can’t stand it either. I choked on a tapioca ball the first time I had one — it was like sucking on a dart gun (not that I know what sucking on a dart gun actually feels like).

    Death by boba milk tea.

  4. charm - October 29, 2004 at 5:43 pm -

    Boba Milk Tea is definitely a freaky drink. Plus it’s tapioca. Yuck! Now gummy bears on the bottom of a margarita glass is another story all together. 🙂

  5. mojen - October 9, 2005 at 1:57 pm -

    I had boba once and it is so gross. I shouldn’t have to chew my drink. The tapioca balls got swollen in my stomach and gave me the sensation that you get when you eat too much pasta. boba=wrong

  6. mojen - October 9, 2005 at 2:04 pm -

    this is similar to how wrong some of coldstone’s concoctions are. If you are unfamiliar with coldstone, it is an ice cream where you can choose which toppings you want mashed into your ice cream. People love it–and they have strange/nasty/wrong orders like pumpkin ice cream with gummy bears, pistachios, coconut, waffle cone pieces, blueberries, and strawberry drizzle. totally wrong

  7. mom - January 9, 2007 at 3:47 pm -

    My son always gives me tea that I can’t fine in my small town in Ohio. This year he gave me Boba Milk Tea. I love it. Don’t see why people hate the little black tapioca. You know they are their if you can read. It is a fun tea. JUST TRY IT!!!!

  8. irishwhistle - March 4, 2007 at 12:50 am -

    My son and I just tried Boba drinks. I don’t drink tea but the green apple icee thing was so sweet and tangy I thought I was going to hurl after drinking one quarter of it. Then I sampled my son’s drink because he got a chocolate smoothie and tried the Bobas, and kept complaining that they were getting into the straw (which would be a good thing, I thought, so I tried one…). Well, I did know the Boba was there, but neither of us knew just exactly what it was. I took it to be some sort of candy or ice cream ball from its appearance…

    All I can say is this…

    Fun? It’s a fun drink? What exactly is fun about chewing on some slimy blob that tastes like paper and feels for all the world like an eyeball? I mean, given my lack of experience in eyeball eating? So to say the least, I agree that you shouldn’t have to chew a drink. But I’ve had drinks that involved chewing… milkshakes and such, with candy bits in them… that were nice, didn’t taste like straight syrup, and didn’t involve the exciting of my imagination in such ghoulish directions as what it’s like to eat eyes.

  9. Spiffy - March 10, 2007 at 1:30 pm -

    Hehehehohoho.
    The explanation as to why so many of you dislike this drink is very simple.

    You un-Asian people don’t know how to enjoy Asian drinks. :p

    …Seriously though, that is true in a way. In most cases, Asian standards =/= American standards. It’s like how many of you would gag at the fact that I eat intenstines, hearts, and stomachs of an animal. I grew up enjoying them, like I grew up enjoying sweet drinks containing jellies, fruits, or bobas.

    Asian culture, you know?

  10. Philip Brooks..CALI! - October 15, 2007 at 3:29 pm -

    alright,dont put boba down until you try it
    im not asian, im halve mexina halve german
    but seriosly
    its a fun drink
    i mean
    i live in cali
    and yeah
    we do go crazy on drinks sometimes but really,
    this one is enjoyable,
    its different
    break the mold u kno?
    cmon
    chew your dink
    ENJOY IT!

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