How Die Hard Would Have Been Different With Me In It

Two words: thick socks.

This would have been the difference between the outcome of the 1988 blockbuster Die Hard had I been given the opportunity to take the role that Bruce Willis made famous.

Thick socks, to me, seems to be the one downfall of the John McClane character when about halfway through the movie all these bullets are whizzing past him and all these cubicle walls are crashing down around him and all of these shards of glass are sharding onto the floor and there’s John McClane, idiot that he was, walking around barefoot.

There are three types of people who like to walk around barefoot. There are hippies, beach-bums and people who spend thousands of dollars a year on making their you-know-whats look pretty (I refuse to name the body part in question due to the people out there who continue to make my life, her life and his life a living hell. Nonetheless, John McClane was neither a hippie a beach bum or a pedicure-fan. He was a hard-boiled cop.

So why’s he taking his socks off?

In addition to the whole sock mistake (which I would not have made), I would definitely have chosen a different “rallying cry.” McClane chose, “Yippie Kay Yay, motherf*cker!” which immediately isolates the kids from looking up to McClane like professional baseball players (go SOX) and charitable movie stars. Seriously, do you think after the whole building blew up and McClane returned to his life on the force that children came around to get his autograph? Not after their parents heard about his little rallying cry. No sir.

Had I been McClane, I would have chosen something a little more mainstream. A little more accessible for the general public. Some of my potential rallying cries could have been:

Oh yeah, buddy-boy!

You’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself!

Boo-yacka-sha!

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Criminals don’t worry me. I, worry me.

What’s this? (Point to their shirt, then when they look down, hit them in the nose with my finger.)

Keep the change, metermaid!

I’ve got more power in this little finger than your whole brain and I suggest you look at my finger and beware my little finger before it does you in, my friend. Oh yes, before it does you in.

And those are just off the top of my head — a fact that should convince you that had I been given the role of John McClane… Nay, had I been John McClane, the situation at Nakatomi Plaza may have ended up a little bit different. Maybe the city wouldn’t have been pissed off at me for all that damage. Maybe my friend the police officer wouldn’t have had to disrupt his evening of doughnuts by helping me save people’s lives. Maybe I would have worn really thick socks.

Thick socks. I’m telling you. It would have changed everything.

But what hasn’t changed (aw-right! great segway) is that tomorrow brings us yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment!” That’s where you, dear reader, provide me, dear reader, with an idea for a post. If I use it (tomorrow only), I will provide you with the credit, a link to your site, and a short haiku about you as a person. It’s never been done before and it is groundbreaking stuff, people.

5 comments on “How Die Hard Would Have Been Different With Me In It

  1. Dylan - October 28, 2004 at 9:06 am -

    Yes, Thick socks would have definatly saved your “Dr. Sanjay Guptas” from being hurt.

    And I didn’t realize that Ali G. was up for the role of John McClaine!

  2. charm - October 28, 2004 at 1:16 pm -

    As long as you’re wearing thick socks with the non-skid bottom I think you’d make a fine John McClane. 🙂 The Ali G. war cry, cracked me up. I just saw “Ali G Indahouse” this past weekend and I’ll never look at those UK chaps the same ever again. lol

  3. T. Malone - October 28, 2004 at 5:18 pm -

    I’m more interested in how you’d do as John McCain. Would you still incorporate the thick socks?

  4. Pauly D - October 28, 2004 at 5:35 pm -

    T. Malone, it’s all about the thick socks. I’d also refrain from wrapping plastic explosives around a nice computer and throwing it down an open elevator shaft. But that would be so we could get a computer company to sponsor the movie.

    I’m always thinking.

  5. monkeyinabox - October 29, 2004 at 10:27 am -

    thick socks? Hell, my feet are so wimpy that I would have worn my Stomper Boots from the get-go.

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