Words for My Enjoyment

Today’s Lesson on Successful Lie-Telling

October 27th, 2004

Telling a lie is a tricky procedure.

When you tell a lie there are a myriad of facial expressions and emotions that can give you away. A blinking or twitching facial tick, a coughing fit, a hoarse voice, a trembling lip, a constant nauseous gagging sound or, well, uncontrollable weeping.

I have studied with some of the best professional liars in the business. They are nice, genuine people who have told me they are nice and genuine which is the reason I think they are nice and genuine. But are they really nice and genuine or are they simply really good liars?

Aaah, that is the question.

Since most people in the world are not good actors (i.e., good liars), most people cannot convince anyone they are telling the truth when they are lying. Look at how much time police spend in interrogation rooms. Haven’t you watched any of the Law and Order shows? Those guys spend forever in interrogation rooms because they know that eventually, a human’s inability to lie will always shine through and eventually cause their confession to come out.

But what if… Just think for a second and believe me when I tell you that there could be a way for you to successfully lie without anyone thinking for a second that you are a stinkingly-bad, horrible, deceiving piece of crap for lying to them — wouldn’t you sign up for the class? Wouldn’t you be first in line to try and learn how to lie without getting caught?

Disclaimer: WFME and Paul Davidson do not encourage the use of this professionally accredited lying technique to get out of criminal activities or adultery. We do however encourage using our techniques to eat more than your share of a pizza at a party, make someone feel better about the dress they’re wearing, tell your closest friend that he/she is your bestest friend ever in the whole wide world, to convince your latest crush that no you didn’t just call them on their phone and that their Star-69 must obviously be broken, as well as thirty-nine other common situations that require harmless lying.

There are three easy steps to lying without getting caught. These steps are presented to you at no additional cost, and are here:

1. Before you tell a lie, be sure to wear a thick ski-mask, dark mirrored glasses and ear-muffs so that your entire head is covered and so no one can look into your eyes or see your skin.

2. Whisper the lie. Whispering the lie will always keep the trembling nervousness in your voice from coming out. Also, whispering sounds like you’re upset or sad and it will usually work really well to misdirect your ly-ee’s attention.

(Note: Wearing a ski-mask and whispering lies should not be done in public parks at night, alleyways, libraries or in quads of local colleges because, unfortunately, some may peg you for some kind of, oh I don’t know, serial killer or something.)

3. Once the lie has been told, before they can ask you any other questions, purposely slam your finger in a car door, front door, drawer and/or electrical socket. This should then be followed by screaming and your quick exit.

Viola! You have just successfully lied and will never get caught.

WFME hopes you will use such techniques to your advantage, that you will not use them to get out of a horrific murder or robbery situation, and that if you do (while being interrogated in a room with no windows and a good cop and bad cop) you won’t ever mention the URL of this site.

Thanks!

Posted under Lessons, Lies. |