Them: Hello, welcome to Earthlink technical support, how may I help you?
Me: Hi, I’m having trouble with my DSL. It was just installed last week and is very very very slow. I’m getting about the same speed on my DSL as a dial-up modem.
Them: Let’s take care of this right away. What’s your name?
Me: Paul Davidson.
Them: Great, Paul. We’re going to take care of this right away and get you all set up perfectly. Do you have your four digit code for the account?
Them: Wonderful, Paul. That’s great. This problem will be wrapped up in no time. What’s your e-mail address??
Me: paulseth at earthlink dot net.
Them: Can you spell that for me so we can expedite this process?
Me: P, A, U, L, S, E, T, H, @, E, A, R, T, H, L, I, N, K, N, E, T.”
Them: Very good. Thanks for that. What city and state are you calling from? This information will allow us to get rid of all this trouble you’re having…
Me: Los Angeles, California. Where are you based at?
Them: The Phillipines.
Me: How are you able to do tech support on my DSL from the Phillipines?
Them: We have phones, Sir. We are able to do everything from here that we would do from the States. Okay, this is wonderful. Can you tell me what modem you have?
Me: Yes, you guys sent me a Paradyne modem last week.
Them: Wonderful. A Paradyne modem. Would you say it’s the black Paradyne modem or an off-grey Paradyne modem?
Them: Excellent. This information will be extremely helpful in me assisting you to solve your trouble that you’re having with your…it’s your dial-up modem, correct?
Them: Oh, DSL. What Windows operating system are you running?
Me: I’m not. I pressed the button for Macintosh back about an hour ago when I was in your queue.
Them: Oh. I can only assist you if you’re using the Windows operating system.
Me: Uh huh.
Them: Do you know about our Spam Blocker software?
Me: For Windows?
Them: No, it works on Macintosh too.
Me: And, this will help me speed up my DSL connection?
Them: No, but it will get rid of your spam.
Me: Did I say I was getting spam?
Them: It’s a wonderful program that works with our suite of internet programs.
Me: Are you going to transfer me to someone who knows how to fix this problem on a Mac?
Them: I’m going to need to know if you’ve placed your DSL modem near a light bulb before I transfer you so I can fill out a ticket.
Me: Well, my house has light bulbs in it.
Them: Is your modem sitting on top of a light bulb?
Me: That wouldn’t be physically possible — it wouldn’t balance on top of a lightbulb.
Them: OK. I’m going to transfer you now so that we can help you solve this problem.
Me: Uh huh…
(Transfer music. Twenty more minutes, then-)
Them: Hi, welcome to Earthlink. What seems to be the problem?
Me: Well, my DSL modem isn’t working correctly and-
Them: Before we solve your problem, can you tell me your name so we can expedite this problem and have you fixed in no time?
And so on, and so on and so on and so on.
I hate them.
In other news, another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” is already on our heels. Got an idea for Friday’s post? Shoot it my way.
In additional other news, I had the extreme opportunity of eating near Mary-Kate Olsen last night at a Los Angeles sushi restaurant. She was eating, yes. She was playing hookey from NYU. She looked as happy as ever.