My Latest Thwarting of a Phone Solicitor
October 3rd, 2004
Phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello, can I speak to Mr. Davidson?
Me: (Suddenly, in an English Accent) Right, which chap are ya’ lookin’ for again?
Them: Uh, a Mr. Davidson?
Me: Aaah, Mr. Davidson. Could I possibly ask whom is calling?
Them: Omaha Steaks dot com. He ordered some steaks from us before and we’re calling with a wonderful new offer for him.
Me: May I be so brash as to question you on this whole Mad Cow thing that overran the countryside of my home country? There were cattle dropping everywhere like flies. And the bovines I know of already have their own cabal of flies hovering around them anyway so when a cow drops like a fly, what does the fly do? Does the fly drop like a fly after the sad, diseased bovine does so as well?
Them: Excuse me?
Me: I’m just wondering aloud about the cause and effect of Mad Cow disease on the cows and their support network, is all.
Them: Is this Mr. Davidson?
Me: No, shall I get him?
Them: Well, yes. Please.
(The phone shuffles, some muffled sounds as I rub my hand back and forth over the receiver to simulate the faux passing of the phone.)
Me: Hello?
Them: Mr. Davidson?
Me: Yes?
Them: This is Jackie from Omaha Steaks calling to let you know about an amazing new offer we have going right now…
Me: Frankie told you to call, didn’t he?
Them: I don’t know any Frankie, Mr. Davidson.
Me: The eagle has landed, the phoenix has risen, the burrowing beagle has beaten the… Fill in the last word.
Them: Excuse me?
Me: Just fill in the last word, please.
Them: (A frustrated breath) What was the sentence again?
Me: The eagle has landed, the phoenix has risen, the burrowing beagle has beaten the…
Them: Ummm….the boy? The beagle has beaten the boy?
Me: Well, it’s obvious to me that Frankie told you to call.
Them: I don’t know any FRANKIE.
Me: Then I can’t continue this conversation any longer for security reasons.
Them: …?
(And they hang up.)
Once again, with limited preparation and effort — another telephone solicitor’s will is broken. One at a time, people. One at a time. Before long, the telephone lines will be ours again.
Genius
Comment by Dylan — October 3, 2004 @ 10:14 am
Very nice! It’s a lot more trouble than my phone solicitor thwarting method (never, ever answering the phone), but far more entertaining.
Comment by Jane — October 3, 2004 @ 6:03 pm
Can I just forward all my calls to you so you can thwart mine one at a time?
Comment by Lena — October 3, 2004 @ 9:37 pm
Damn those security reasons, damn them!!
Comment by monkeyinabox — October 4, 2004 @ 9:55 am
Your funny Mr. Davidson, very funny.
Comment by Gennifer — October 4, 2004 @ 11:53 am
Thanks, Gennifer. The fact that you have a “G” instead of a “J” for your name is funny, too - FYI.
Funny, in a good way.
Comment by Pauly D — October 4, 2004 @ 12:07 pm
You know what’s sad? No one calls me. Not even solicitors. So I guess in sense, my phone line is already…mine.
Comment by charm — October 4, 2004 @ 6:50 pm