I Would So Handle Mr. Miyagi So Much Better Than Ralph Macchio
September 21st, 2004
First things first: when a guy tells you to paint the fence, you question the guy who’s telling you to paint the fence. This goes for sanding the floor, waxing the car, and standing like a stork on some wood log in the middle of the beach. You question and you question until you get down to the bottom of it all.
These things, I know.
I would so handle Mr. Miyagi so much better than Ralph Macchio did when he starred as Daniel in the movie The Karate Kid. My years of questioning people around this great continent would have prepared me for my moment in the sun. I would have posed a series of questions to Mr. Miyagi that fateful evening he saved me from those hoodlums in skeleton costumes on bikes. And as he nursed my wounds back to health I would initially ask the guy who he was, how he got so damn strong, and sure — could he help me get Johnny, Tommy, Bobby, Dutch and Jimmy off my back long enough to woo that pretty blonde girl, Ali.
These things, I would ask.
But the minute that crazy tree-cutting fool told me to paint the fence, you’d better believe I’d ask him all the pertinent questions.
1. Why do you want me to paint the fence?
2. Why have you left this fence unpainted for so long?
3. How long, exactly, has this fence gone unpainted?
4. Wouldn’t you rather hire someone who paints fences for a living?
5. Shouldn’t we prime this fence before we paint it?
6. Looking around at this whole dojo, I think the minamalist nature of leaving the fence unpainted might go well with the rest of your whole theme here - don’t you think?
7. If I paint the fence, will you be paying me by the hour for it?
8. Will you be paying for the supplies I will be using to paint the fence?
9. Will this painting of the fence end up turning out to be some kind of lesson that I will eventually realize wasn’t about painting the fence at all but it was more about feeding my soul or some kind of crap like that?
10. Why again did you want me to paint the fence?
These questions, of course, would cause Mr. Miyagi to stop and think about his decision. He might even turn around and decide that, in fact, the fence didn’t need to be painted in the first place at which point he might ask me to sand the floor instead.
1. That floor is pretty damn smooth already, don’t you think?
2. There are really great electric sanders you can buy at K-Mart where you bought your black belt, did you know that?
3. Sanding the floor? Really, seriously? By hand?
Before long, Mr. Miyagi would decide that all the stupid manual labor projects he was asking me to do were, in fact, a waste of my time. Instead, he might turn around and just show me the karate moves — which would, in turn, shorten the movie itself but give us more time for the final fight sequence in which I would kick Johnny’s ass all because I learned karate quicker and never had to waste my time waxing this or sanding that.
Man, if only I could turn back the hands of time. I could have so done it better.
But if you didn’t do all that manual labor, you wouldn’t have done enough, in Mr. Miyagi’s mind, to earn those killer wheels that eventually were used to woo the young Elizabeth Shue. Mr. Miyagi always knows what he’s doing, pal.
BTW, Thought ‘The Benefactor’ was good last night. Shawn is quite… something… isn’t she?
Comment by Dylan — September 21, 2004 @ 9:38 am
You know who else asked a lot of questions? The Cobra Kai! Questions like, “Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?”, and “Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?” Do you want to be like them? Like Johnny? No man, you’re better than that.
P.S. Mrs. Malone and I were disappointed that you did not appear in the opening to The Benefactor last night (or did we just miss it again?). We were looking forward to seeing the side of your head.
Comment by T. Malone — September 21, 2004 @ 8:20 pm
For your information, the side of my head was only featured in the Premiere episode.
Comment by Pauly D — September 21, 2004 @ 8:37 pm
Darn. So I missed Mr. Pauly’s side of his head shot in the premiere of The Benefactor? Would it be freakish of me to try and find a copy somewhere? Okay wait. Don’t answer that. lol.
Anyways…those are great questions Paulysan. There’s always an audience for Karate Kid 2004. Ummm…better make that Karate Man 2004 or 2005. It might go straight to video, but it’s a chance.
Comment by groovebunny — September 22, 2004 @ 1:02 am
I’m really behind. I’ve never seen Karate Kid.
Comment by Andrea — September 22, 2004 @ 5:19 am
What about, The Karate Grand-kid ? I’d pay to see it. Glad to see all this Miyagi love.
Comment by Rich — January 12, 2005 @ 11:24 am
ola!! soy natalia!! hello I´m Natalia
me encanta ralph. es el mejor. I love ralph, he is the best!
besos, kisses natalia (spain)
Comment by nathalia — January 30, 2006 @ 11:04 am
HEY how old was Ralph Maccio when he did the Karate kid 2 and 3? A friend said he was like 36.
Comment by nicole — March 7, 2006 @ 10:18 pm
Ralph is so hot! i was so sad when i found out he died in the outsiders(best book, and movie in the world) i love that movie, i like karate kid but the outsiders is better. It really made me cry, and believe me when i say it i never cry. anyways if you didn;t already see the outsiders you really should—-natures firt green is gold her hardest hue to hold, her early leafs a flower, but only so an hour, so leaf subsides to leaf, so edan sank to greif, so dawn goes down today nothing gold can stay—-oh yea jonnycake 16 years is NOT long enough,but anyways stay gold jonnycake, stay gold… love GINA
Comment by Gina — March 20, 2006 @ 5:20 pm
i dont get it
Comment by Lilli — March 5, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
I like the idea of the Karate Kids, Kid! Whatever happened to Ralph?
Comment by Rich Tee — March 7, 2007 @ 8:33 am