Today’s Imaginary Conversation With My Left Knee

Yeah, yeah — obviously it didn’t take much planning or effort to get my left knee on board for a W.F.M.E. interview, but it was eye opening nonetheless.

Me: Hey you.

Paul’s Left Knee: Hi, Paul.

Me: Thanks for making yourself available for today’s interview. I’ve never done a body part interview other than that one with Justin Timberlake’s left breast, so I appreciate the effort you’ve made.

Paul’s Left Knee: Uh, I go wherever you go.

Me: Yeah, and I appreciate that.

Paul’s Left Knee: I don’t have a choice.

Me: Right, and I appreciate how you never complain.

Paul’s Left Knee: Can I ask you a question?

The Bachelor Has Officially Jumped The Bass Fish

Did I mention that The Bachelor has officially jumped the Bass fish?

On tonight’s episode I saw something that was insanely-stupid the first time I saw it on Big Brother. That insanely-stupid thing, prior, was inviting Sheryl Crow to perform in the Big Brother backyard for a group of cagey, insane, people who would eat their young for $500,000.

Tonight on The Bachelor, the “professional Bass fisherman” bachelor guy (hello – that should have been my first hint) takes his first date to an empty club where low and behold, BRANDY is performing with four backup dancers. No, there’s no one else in the place. Yes, she’s wearing one of those Brit-Brit head-mounted microphones. Yes, she’s really singing to the Bass fisherman and his date.

A Dramatic Story Where Details and People’s Names Have Been Changed to Ambiguous Initials and Weird-Nicknames To (I Assume) Protect Their Identity

You still wouldn’t believe it even if I was sitting next to you telling you the story with the same kind of excited look I have on my face as I’m writing it.

Father-Time totally stopped a robbery.

It was me, KB, Gooch, Father-Time, Little Italy, RN, DS-56 and The Quirky One. We were all sitting out at the “chain-linked eatery” talking about Crap-head and Elementary-Our-Dear-Watson. The thing is, Little Italy and RN are always talking behind Crap-head’s back and I don’t know if it’s the healthiest thing ever, but fortunately you’ve always got me and KB trying to keep everyone in line. You don’t want the same thing happening that happened last year at 10-10-220, where DS-56 went missing for like a year (exaggerating, of course) with her newfound mack-buddy, The Un-symmetrical Face.

Today’s Prognosis On People Who Pretend To Wash Their Hands After Going to the Public Bathroom

Some people will go to great lengths to not be sanitary.

Keep in mind, I am not one of those crazy multiple hand-washer people. I do not store hundreds of bars of soap in my bathroom closet nor do I wash my hands after shaking someone’s hand nor do I use a paper towel to grip the inside handle of a public bathroom’s door in order to escape. I have previously debated what to say to a cougher/sneezer — but that was about it.

Recently, I found myself in a public bathroom stall sharing a public restroom with some other stranger. When the stranger exited his stall and moved to the sink — I felt a compulsion to watch the events unfold.

People Who Pronounce “Coincidence”, “Ko-ink-eee-dink”

The reason behind it is as shrouded in mystery as the Great Pyramid of Gisa and the Bermuda Triangle.

There are people out there, and no one knows why, but they feel the strange need to pronounce the word “coincidence” — ko-ink-ee-dink.

Usually, when someone says that word, just the way in which they pronounce it communicates to me that they want you to think that they’re (a) cute, (b) clever, (c) on some kind of mood altering prescribed psychological enhancer, (d) currently the mother or father to a 6 month old baby, (e) from Utah, (f) funny, (g) an etymologist who never really studied much…or (h) annoying.