I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#3)
August 27th, 2004
Oh, how I spit on you, you Westminster Dog Show, you.
Never before on the face of the Earth (prior to your existence) has man sought out to trim and cut, comb and frizz, shave and primp a dirty old dog. Never before have humans judged how they walk, how things hang and how dogs prance. Never before have I felt my saliva glands so full in preparation of a loogie the likes of which no mere mortal has ever seen.
Dogs lick their genitals. Dogs chase their tails. Dogs rip apart mail that shoots through mail slots. Yes, oh boy, they can learn 200 words. They have the intelligence of a 3 year old. Is that any reason to host some kind of a dog Olympics around them? Giving out medals and causing normal adults to enter into a world of OCD’s where the length of an eyebrow hair is worth their life?
What’s next?
If we are to believe that hosting a televised dog show, singing the praises of how they walk and show — well, would it not be a surprise for a cat show to come next? A show where owners take their fish out and see how suavely they flop on the ground with no oxygen? A show where kids dig up ants and caterpillars and see which one will be awarded the honourable award that will make them the talk of the town?
Right, I hear you. It’s all very very silly, those examples I just gave you. And, you know what — not too far from the inspiration of those silly examples… A silly show judging dogs. My loogie is ready. Is your silly little Westminster Dog show ready for it’s close-up?
Pah-tooie.
First time caller and long time listener; i vote for this one.
Comment by dave — August 27, 2004 @ 3:07 pm
Clever, clever senor Paulo.
Here’s my guess: this Post, numero three, is the real Pauly D. Not only does it RHYME (something which appeals very much to the Real PD), but it’s backed up by several educated guesses.
Everybody seems to think post #4 is the RPD, but that is merely the one that most accurately imitates PD’s style: the all capped “WORST” in sentence one, followed by the master-stroke “worstest,” the mock interview format, and the dark secret of rampant cannibalism - all very Pauly-like stylistic and thematic tropes. But NOT the real Pauly. Just a good knock-off.
Post #3 however, displays typically un-Pauly-like phrasings right off the bat. “…you Westminster Dog Show, you…”? C’mon, PD-iddy wouldn’t be caught dead writing like that on a normal day. But look CLOSER. At the basic sentence construction. His themes, and their execution. Here’s how I can tell:
The first paragraph and a half are mostly a wash - they’re only there to throw us off. The first big tell-tale sign is in line 3 of paragraph 2: “…can learn 200 words. They have the intelligence of a 3 year old.” Pauly loves factoids about things that interest him. The intelligence of his dog Jack interests him.
Another example, same paragraph line 7: “…into a world of OCD’s where the length of an eyebrow hair…” PD really likes the term OCD. Also, the eyebrow hair line - PD likes taking random things - like an eyebrow hair - and making it suddenly have drastic import.
Also, the stand-alone “What’s next?” line. A polarizing question, poised as it’s own paragraph - very PD. He’s really showing his cards here, b/c this is a device he uses a lot to give his entries gravitas and suspense. To give it that “What’s gonna happen next” feel.
The flopping fish is perfect textbook PD. As well as the subsequent line with the kids digging up insects. For PD, flopping fish gasping for air, and little kids digging up insects for blue-ribbon prizes is the height of mass hysteria. Just trust me on this…
But the slam dunk for me is a little detail, buried deep in paragraph one. The line about “Never before have I felt my saliva glands so full.” The imagery of saliva glands filling with fluid is a dead give away for me. See his post about “gleeking” and it will probably make more sense.
That’s my 2 cents. Good luck, suckas!!
Comment by Fabock Holmes — August 27, 2004 @ 11:23 pm
Nice work. I got a similar post on my website. natehouse.blogspot.com
Comment by Nate House — January 23, 2005 @ 6:37 am
DEAR NATE HOUSE:
Stay away from this site if you plan to keep doing your selfplugging. This site id for PAUL DAVIDSON and his FANS only.
If you ever post another link on this site again I will never allow you to reach climax.
Comment by Jurgen — January 23, 2005 @ 4:08 pm