If I’m Holding A Puppy, I’m Obviously A Nice Guy

Isn’t it interesting what calms people and causes them to trust others?

For all you know I could be one of those horrible serial killers who lure people into my car and shove a cloth in your face to knock you out (like Jeff Briges in The Vanishing). I could be one of thsoe guys who is making a huge body suit out of other people’s skin (like Silence of the Lambs). I could be sticking you in a huge home-made plastic box slowly filling up with water (like The Cell) on the edge of town.

But as long as I’m holding my little puppy in my arms, you’re not going to be too worried about me. Cause I’m holding a puppy and I’m obviously a really nice guy.

I was out and about yesterday (yeah, it must be a rare occasion) and made many stops with my little dog Jack in tow. I was at the Coffee Bean, I was at the Quiznos shop and I did a quick jaunt over to the U.S. Postal Service. In each location, I was approached by smiling (mostly women) who had tons of questions to ask.

How old is he? What’s his name? Did he just go for a big walk, cause he’s breathing heavy? Is he smart? Does he want a treat? Has he ever been on TV? Will you possibly be planning on kidnapping me this afternoon while I gaze, open mouthed, at your cute little puppy?

He. Is. So. Cute.

Yes, yes, yes. Now, would you like to accompany me and my adorable dog into my car where I will be happy to provide you with a cloth soaked in chloroform and we can get down to business?

In a world of fears where people are told to watch out for terrorists with weapons and airplane passengers weilding firey shoes and eyebrow tweezers that could end the lives of those around them and people in dark-windowed vans waiting for you to walk casually past their passenger side door, it’s funny to me that a guy with a puppy could probably get into the oval office without having to undergo some kind of body cavity search.

And it’s not only puppy-carrying people who are immediately taken off the suspicion list of terror. I have made a list of the other kinds of “un-threatning” people you may come in contact with in this world that, possibly aren’t as innocent as you think:

People wearing Hello Kitty shirts
Old ladies, knitting
Ice-cream men
Young girls playing jump rope
People wearing “Osh Kosh B’Gosh” overalls
Men in retro golf outfits
Martha Stewart

I’m telling you, in a world filled with “potential terror” (as preached by all our mainstream television news media) you’ve got to be careful, keep your eyes open, and avoid guys holding cute little puppies as often as you can.

Otherwise, the Puppy-Factor could prove to be fatal.

4 comments on “If I’m Holding A Puppy, I’m Obviously A Nice Guy

  1. Fluffy - July 23, 2004 at 8:55 am -

    hahaha this made me laugh! Just nipped across from Em’s blog and wanted to pay my respects to this charming and witty bit o writing 😉

    (btw my blog is at http://bilge-flaps.blogspot.com but typepad doesnt like me putting it in the field)

  2. C(h)ristine - July 23, 2004 at 2:20 pm -

    I just wrote a short story about how a guy walks around with a puppy but is really an evil person.

    But — that Puppy is JUST.SO.CUUUUUUUTE!!!!

  3. Felix - June 22, 2006 at 4:05 am -

    It’s sooo true. I look big hairy and scary looking but in reality deep down I’m sorta shy and find safety in that image.
    People tend to leave me alone because of my appearance and that suits me just fine. I enjoy my solitude, I really do.
    But when I’m out with my best little buddy, Eddy things are quite different.
    Women usually leave me alone but when I’m out with my little ball of fluff I can’t fight them off not even with a big stick.
    They go to mush, totally drop their defences it’s amazing.
    If I was one of those loonies with the duct tape, rag and little bottle of chloroform they would be in deep trouble but I’m not so it’s OK.
    I guess a serial killer wouldn’t bother with little dogs would he?
    Actually my little buddy looks a lot like your little dawgy, he’s a Maltese/Poodle cross and he doesn’t just look cute, he’s a most loving and loyal little guy. A true gift from God although when he wakes me at 2am standing on my chest with his tennis ball in mouth and tail wagging I’m not so sure.

  4. CJ - February 22, 2007 at 8:47 am -

    you forgot about:
    catholic priests
    gymnastics coaches
    creepy health class teachers that also coach the girls basketball team
    men wearing derby hats, seriously
    angry astronauts

    there are probably many others that I can’t think of… but oh well

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