Words for My Enjoyment

Entourage Applications Now Available!

July 6th, 2004

I’ve noticed a trend lately.

The Entourage is becoming very popular again. There were the days when the entourage was created — when Sammy Davis and Dean Martin and Frank had women following them everywhere, swooning at just the sight of their little group. The entourage’s popularity re-emerged years later when the Brat Pack was taking over Hollywood — from Judd Nelson and Rob Lowe to Ally Sheedy and Demi Moore.

The entourage took a few years off before coming back recently. We’ve heard all about Leo and Tobey, Vince Vaughn, the Wilson brothers and Will Ferrell and the strange entourage of Kutcher, Puffy and others. Even HBO has a show called Entourage starting up in a few weeks.

So, all of this got me to thinking.

Entourages really aren’t that tough to start. People often think you’ve got to be famous and well-known to get the entourage going. But in reality, having an entourage and being recognized as an entourage is less about fame and more about going out and getting the right people FOR the entourage. So, as of today, I am accepting applications for my new WFME entourage.

But crafting an entourage is tough. You can’t just let anyone in it or the balance of the entouarge (the pH balance, to be more specific) can be thrown off by two of the same people. So below, take a look at just who I need for my entourage, and see if you fit. If you don’t, no worries - I know others who will be starting their own entourages very very soon!

And by the way, the perfect entourage as described in Section 12, Paragraph 2.3 of the “Entourage Makers Handbook” is always 5 members (not including the entourage leader):

Entourage Member #1 (The Ladies Man): Potential Entourage Member #1 must be wicked-smart with the ladies. You must be aged between 23 and 27 and have no scars or distinguishing marks on your face. Both sides of your face must be symmetrically even (i.e, you have to be a looker) and you must have no speech problems or facial ticks. You must wear clothing made only by Diesel and Lucky Brand and must drive a car whose sticker value ranges between 38,500 and 67,350. You must have had no previous long term relationships and must never date women more than 3 and a half weeks. Your catch phrase is always, “Ladies, shmadies.”

Entourage Member #2 (The Cool Chick): You were a tomboy but now that tomboyness is really damn hot. You love to skydive and rollerblade, climb fake mountain walls at extreme sporting good stores and hit your guy friends hard enough to give them welts. You have shoulder length brown or blonde hair and wear baby T’s from hipsters like Paul Frank. You grew up with brothers so you don’t take crap from boys. You are artistic and creative, you drive a MINI Cooper or a convertible vintage vehicle. Faced with having a dead racoon carcass in your stomach or having your right foot amputated, you always go for the raccoon carcass. You chew gum. Lots of it. You can blow a bubble bigger than your head, then blow two more inside of it. You love Weezer and Wilson Phillips. Your catch phrase is always, “Fool me once, good for you. Fool me twice, I’ll sock you in the head.”

Entourage Member #3 (The Outsider): Male or female, doesn’t matter. But what does, is that you are the quirky one of the bunch. You even have a pet ferrett/rat-toy dog/stuffed boar’s head that you take with you everywhere you go who you refer to as “Frank” or “Freddie”. You are funny to the point of being annoying. You are paranoid and always cautious of danger. You are the early-warning system of our entourage because often you pick up on psychotics who want to hang with the entourage but really, for all our health, shouldn’t ever get within 10 feet of the group. You are obsessed with the show Party of Five because you believe that it was modeled after your life, even though you have no brothers or sisters and never lived in San Francisco. You wear only shirts with numbers on them, and believe that the numbers of each week that you wear should add up to an even number or else the Universe will be in trouble. Your catch phrase is “I’m happy. No I’m not. Yes I am.”

Entourage Member #4 (The Wannabe): You are the guy who wants to be the “other guy.” In fact, you are obsessed with becoming the leader of the entourage and believe that the current leader of the entourage needs to fall prey to some kind of accident, thus relegating you to become the new leader. You wear what the entourage leader wears, but different colors. You are always repeating things the leader of the entourage says but always reminding the others that the only reason you’re repeating it is “to keep everyone in the loop.” When the entourage leader is off somewhere, you are always suggesting new ideas and rules for the entourage like “having a vending machine with just beer in the corner of the apartment” just to try and overthrow the political system already set in the group. You are a twin, but no one has ever met your twin. Your catch phrase is, “What he said.”

Entourage Member #5 (The Girl Next Door): You are a sweet girl next door. On the surface nothing seems to be wrong in your life. You love puppies and kittens and little baby giraffes. You wear shirts that have logos of Hello Kitty on them. You secretly have always wanted to be with the leader of the entourage but know that it will never come to fruition. Or, at least, you are afraid to have that conversation. You have a healthy rivalry with the “Wannabe” of the group. You go out of your way to setup events and coordinate activities for the entourage although they’re always a bit too “sweet” for any of these hipsters. You are under 30, you are deathly afraid of turning 30, and you make more than 30k a year in your own consulting business that no one seems to know exactly what it is. Your catch phrase is, “It’s all good.”

All applicants will be asked to denote which position they are applying for and if their catch phrase is different from the one previously outlined.

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