I swallowed ink, and have lived to tell the tale.
I was probably 12. I was sitting on the couch watching television. I was chewing on the end of a Bic pen, happily chew-chew-chewing away. Somewhere around the time that Chuck Woolery gave his trademark “we’re back in two and two”, I tasted a strange taste in my mouth.
Aren’t those sense memories wonderful? Chuck Woolery and a strange taste in my mouth. (I’ll leave that one alone for now.)
When I pulled the Bic pen from my mouth, a stream of ink followed. I placed my fingers in my mouth, removed them, and saw that they were covered in stark blue ink. I absolutely freaked. I ran to my mother’s room and with my mouth wide open, blue ink dripping from all corners, said something like:
It is my official pleasure to invite you all here today for yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment”! A day where you, the reader, provide the idea and I, the writer, write it. (Ed note: I know it gets tiring but I will continue to explain this feature every week for the rest of my existence for those just joining the party.)
The double-threat is back. Chase, who is Daniel to my Mr. Miyagi (his words, not mine), has provided us a second great idea, just a mere two weeks in a row. Chase asks, “Is Sesame Street still on TV? Does it need a reinvigoration of some kind?”
My teacher was Frau Farbissina.
That’s right. Dr. Evil’s right hand evil co-conspirator in the taking-over of the entire world for one million dollars, just happened to be my teacher when I started taking classes at The Groundlings. What is the Groundlings? It’s the Los Angeles based improv school that has turned out such stellar comedic players as Will Ferrill, Phil Hartman, Lisa Kudrow, Cheryl Hines, Phil LaMarr and many more.
I took the class because I thought “acting was easy.”
Little did I know, but Mindy Sterling (who is the real person who plays Frau) was going to be my teacher, and her teaching-style was not far-off from the actual character she played in the Austin Powers movies.
I have a wonderful bedside manner.
Since I know myself and since I would be about to be performing surgery on myself, I would probably pull myself aside and tell myself all the things I know would make me feel totally comfortable about my impending surgery… “I’ve done this a thousand times, Paul. What I’m doing today is what I learned during my first day of residency. It’s so simple, I could do it with my eyes closed, but I will obviously not be closing my eyes because you are the most important patient I have ever had, and here’s a present for you! That’s right, even while you’re in the hospital, you’re allowed to have huge blocks of white chocolate at your bedside table. No, I didn’t know that was your all-time favorite candy. Well, I do what I can.”
Sometimes people are talking about Bush or Kerry or backstabbing or political commercials or the fact that the Democrats and Republicans are fighting it out through their extremely expensive, dirty commercials and propaganda, and I just happen to be sitting near the group of politically-charged minded people.
I say, “Aaah, politics.”
It seems to communicate something to them. Something that causes me to not have to state my allegiances to whichever party, or explain my thoughts or beliefs. It must, as far as I can figure, communicate to them that yes, I sure do agree with all these thoughts they’re currently spouting and that, oh boy, this whole political animal is one huge chip on the virtual shoulder of America. That usually gets me out of having to put myself in a position where people realize that, honestly, I have no idea what they’re talking about, and if they got me talking, would have no idea what I’m talking about.