Kirsten Dunst Needs A Good Orthodontist

Saw Spiderman 2 last night.

I will give you no spoilers. I will not ruin the plot. I will not describe sequences involving actors and will not tell you about the cameos. I will not spoil the jokes and I will not tell you about the CGI action sequences. And I will definitely not tell you about the end.

But I will tell you this: Kirsten Dunst needs a damn good orthodontist.

Dr. Crabtree (real name) was my orthodontist while I was growing up in the San Francisco area. He was a genial man with a talent for making petty conversation with you while he tightened the metal braces around your teeth, took cement impressions of your teeth, jammed plastic spacers between your teeth to ready them for braces and as all of it was going on — he came off as the most genuine man around.

Kirsten Dunst would, I’m sure, really like him.

I sort of think Dunst has fallen ill to the “Jewel/Steve Buscemi Factor” which is that if you (a) become famous when your teeth are all messed up, and (b) become a sexy star that people lust after while your teeth look like you belong in an Austin Powers movie, then (c) your “people” will tell you that you’d better leave the gnarly (i mean, “unique”) tooth issues alone.

Someone told that to Kirsten, I’m sure of it.

That’s the problem with getting into acting while you’re still young and your teeth have the opportunity to move and adjust and look stupid and grow in at weird angles — when you start to get a following for doing what you do, you can’t ever go back because people will turn to you and say that you’ve SO sold out for fixing your teeth! “She SO sold out to the man for actually fixing that huge gap of missing front teeth!! I hate her I hate her I hate her…”

Kirsten Dunst needs to do something about her top front angly-weird teeth. Not the two center ones and not the two on either sides of those — the two on either sides of THOSE. Every time she opens her mouth I’m afraid she’s going to puncture Tobey’s lips or try to bite something. It gives me the heebs.

So. In review:

No news on Spiderman 2.

Bad teeth are bad news.

People who becomes famous with bad teeth are forced to live with bad teeth.

I have a great orthodontist for Kirsten Dunst.

I can only hope that Kirsten Dunst is randomly checking her name on Google these days (since her movie is coming out and since she has weird angly teeth she’s probably insecure and wondering if people are saying good or bad things about how she looks) and she finds my suggestion to use one Dr. Crabtree in the East Bay of the San Francisco area.

If not, I can tell you one plot point about Spiderman 3 that won’t ruin the movie for you… It’s the one that involves a leading lady with, yet again, teeth that are freakier than the villain.

In other news, one of those “things” that was possibly, maybe going to happen is happening. When official words about this exciting development have been printed, you will all be the first to know. A few weeks. Maybe less. Patience is a virtue.

24 comments on “Kirsten Dunst Needs A Good Orthodontist

  1. Andrea - June 29, 2004 at 8:13 am -

    Congratulations on the stuff that was possibly maybe going to happen…

    The only question you do need to answer is whether S2 is worth spending the $10.00 on to see, or if it falls into the normal category of “poor sequels?”

  2. Pauly D - June 29, 2004 at 8:19 am -

    S2 is definitely a good sequel. Whether or not it’s as good as everyone’s screaming, I don’t know.

    Then again, I’m jaded.

  3. Andrea - June 29, 2004 at 9:36 am -

    Why are you jaded??

  4. Pauly D - June 29, 2004 at 9:39 am -

    See I Am Jaded.

    Should answer all of your questions.

  5. Ankesh Kothari - June 29, 2004 at 10:49 am -

    You know who else has crooked teeth?

    Laetitia Casta.

    gasp! “The most perfect women” living has crooked teeth.

    Fashion designer Vivienne Westwood says: “I don’t believe in God, but when I see Laetitia, I might change my mind.”

    Rolling stones calls her “hottest model alive.” says: “Let’s be very, very frank; Laetitia Casta takes our breath away. Everything from her eyes and lips, to her legs and toes makes us wiggle with joy. She is as close to perfection as Mother Nature intended a woman to be.”

    And yet they all missed her crooked teeth.

    Not many people know she has crooked teeth. Because she never laughs or even smiles while posing. Her lips are always sealed.

    Except once:

  6. chase - June 29, 2004 at 11:32 am -

    i’m seeing spidey 2 tomorrow night and now i’ll be looking at dunst’s teeth instead of…elsewhere. darn.

  7. Tito - June 29, 2004 at 12:57 pm -

    I was always told that if you didn’t have braces as a kid and you had jacked up teeth your parents didn’t love you. Now I don’t know Ms. Dunst or her parents, but her grill doesn’t speak well of her family.

  8. monkeyinabox - June 29, 2004 at 3:06 pm -

    Patience is a virtue! Time waits For no man! Oh man… I had a teacher in high school who had these sayings all over his classroom. Not that this has anything to do with Spiderman or bad teeth, but hey, your words inspired me.

  9. Enigma - June 30, 2004 at 8:56 am -

    maybe alfred molina will hook her up. lord knows he’s had his done in the last 10 years.

  10. RW - July 1, 2004 at 12:03 am -

    Oh, come on, Pauly D. Kirsten’s teeth launched her on her path to starhood, after all.

    There’s no way she will ever get them fixed — once an adorable child vampire, always an adorable child vampire.

  11. Christine - July 1, 2004 at 10:58 pm -

    Kirstin Dunst’s teeth remind me of Billy Corgan’s gawdawful chompers.

    If Tom Cruise can get braces at freakin’ 40, I’m sure these ‘superstars’ can afford straight pearly whites.

  12. C(h)ristine - July 2, 2004 at 2:23 pm -

    wrt her pointy cuspids:
    She _did_ play a vampire in “An Interview with a Vampire,” her debut role.

  13. PrettyME - March 26, 2005 at 1:15 pm -

    I agree with Pauly D. Kirstens nasty teeth
    are so distracting on the screen. The whole
    time she is talking, no one is listening-they
    are all thinking about her crooked teeth and
    why she never got them fixed. Those chompers
    do not make her “unique” (like Cindy Crawfords
    mole), they totally screw up her face.

  14. savedelete™ - July 12, 2004 at 4:25 pm -

    Spiderman 2 – initial thoughts

    Just got back from seeing Spiderman 2. It wasn’t at…

  15. savedelete™ - July 12, 2004 at 4:26 pm -

    Spiderman 2 – initial thoughts

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  16. savedelete™ - July 12, 2004 at 4:32 pm -

    Spiderman 2 – initial thoughts

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  17. Skin Care News - February 25, 2005 at 9:27 am -

    Does Kirsten Dunst Smile?

    Words For My Enjoyment: Kirsten Dunst Needs A Good Orthodontist A Spiderman fan has some words of advice for Kirsten Dunst: do something about it! I will give you no spoilers. I will not ruin the plot. I will not…

  18. Kevin L. Clay, Jr. - August 30, 2005 at 9:34 am -

    Hey!!! Mrs. Kirsten Dunst this is Kevin you’re my second favorite actress. I read about a guy who mentioned you had bad teeth. If they are bad looking don’t go years without fixing them. My teeth are pretty nice but, I want to close up the gaps in my teeth, and fix a piece of my teeth that was chipped from eating something I that I can’t remember what. this happened when I stayed in my previous house in Inwood Pines across from our new subdivision Park land Place, and our builders is Ryland Homes. Kirsten I heard that you were pregnant by your recently, ex-beau Jake Gyllenhall I’m a big fan of Jake he’s around my middle brother’s age. Anyway, I know that you are half swedish, and half german and you are a catholic christian. You already know that the Bible forbids Sexual relations outside of marriage the Bible calls it Sexual Immorality, or Fornication. God loves you Kirsten but, since you know better you will be chastised worce than Jake if he’s not a christian. I hope that he is then God will hold you, and him accountable for the sin. Kevin isn’t judging you just telling you the truth you should have married before having sexual feelings for Jake. I know you too are crazy about each other. But, Kirsten why take that risk on purpose you know that your life will change as well as Jake’s too. I pray that you will make a commitment to marry Jake to take care of that baby together. On another note My mom made a statement that when I was watching a scene with you talking to Tobey Maguire in Spider-man 1 She said that Me, and you make a good couple I looked at you, and smiled because you are adorable Kirsten as well as, talented, and beautiful. I like those dimples you have when you smile cute!!! another childhood star like yourself who I fell deeply, in love with was Jennifer Love Hewitt whom you probably met over the years with acting. I’m still crazy about Jennifer because she has a good heart like you Kirsten, and she is honest about what she does. Anna Faris is another girl who I like I heard that she recently, married Ben Indra I’m happy for her. If she becomes single one day I would love to go out with her. I haven’t had a real girlfriend in years. Two girls who I fell head over heels in with I lost track of them. one of them disconnected her e-mail address, and the other who was my date to the prom left her parents house, and moved in with her boyfriend, and had a baby with him. She’s still my best friend, and I love her dearly, as well as the other girl I mentioned. There name are Kelly Cabrera, and Candice Sanchez. I miss them very much!!!!! well Kirsten please marry Jake if that’s the man God sent to you. Don’t let Satan deceive you into thinking that Fornication is permitted in God’s face because Sin in all it’s form is evil, ugly, and it stinks in his nostrils he hates it and he has to judge it God Bless you your family Jake, and his family, and I hope to work in the acting business with you one day that will be my second major, and Computer Technology.

  19. kris - December 28, 2005 at 6:52 pm -

    Love crooked teeth!

  20. huna - January 1, 2006 at 12:26 pm -

    I’ve devoted a blog to this topic of famous people who choose to leave their teeth crooked and/or missing.

  21. ZM - February 21, 2006 at 12:52 am -

    Commenting on other people’s appearance like this … it’s petty, shameful, unintelligent and bad manners.

  22. wakeuptoyourself - March 9, 2006 at 4:25 pm -

    you are cruel!
    and stupid.
    kirsten is a gorgeous girl and i think its great that she doesn’t feel she needs to get stupid picket fence straight teeth to feel she is beautiful.

    reading the comments on her teeth make me feel pity for people who are that shallow.

    maybe one day you”ll realise that possible the world doesn’t revole around perfectly straight teeth and that maybe, just maybe its more important to be an individual with INDIVIDUAL features.

    its things like those cute little crooked teeth that make her look different from all those blond haired clones on the hollywood screen.

    i just hope that you are quite young, because if you are an adult with viewpoints that shallow i think you need some waking up.

  23. john - December 11, 2006 at 9:02 am -

    dude seriously..the guy was talking about her teeth, not it was her talking ..that was very creepy, i hope that you work it out with jesus.

  24. darky - February 5, 2007 at 12:03 pm -

    Honestly, I don’t know what’s SOOO wrong about crooked teeth, if it’s not the 2 front teeth that are crooked (or pulled out like a horse) , then I don’t think it’s really bad.

    As for me, I have a uh, fascination with crooked teeth… Like Billy Corgan’s I JUST LOVE HIS TEETH, my husband’s teeth are crooked like Billy’s and OH GEEZ that’s the thing I like the most about him physically… When I met him he said he wanted to get braces, but I told him “If you ever want to get rid of me, just get braces”, now he’s proud of ’em 😀 , he looks handsome and different.

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