I Can Eat Three Packets of Crackers in Less Than A Minute Without A Glass of Water

The challenges have been “brought” on more than one occasion.

They have been brought at many places. Restaurants, bars, 24-hour mini-marts, walk-in office supply cabinets, hallways, bathrooms and diners. And each and every time, I have triumphed without cotton mouth, without liquid help and without any vocal encouragement whatsoever.

I have eaten three packets of saltene crackers in less than one minute.

The conspiracy theorists have written much on the world’s oldest challenge. The fact that it all tracks back to the 1930’s during the Great Depression, when people had no money for any food except for a few packets of crackers. Street urchins, hungry for food and desperate for money would challenge passerbys a dollar to eat three packets in less than a minute.

There was many a person who was duped, having to go home and admit to losing their daily wage to their loved ones, often resulting in divorce, death and dismemberment. It was a depressing time for citizens and often, a heart-breaking moment for families starving from lack of nourishment. A moment of darkness in a time where there was no light. Sad, starving children.

Today, it’s a fun, exciting care-free game of chance!

I have practiced for hours, in fact, to turn myself from a crumb-munching fool into a cracker-stacking pro. My training consists of waking up each day and eating a cracker an hour. Then, after two weeks of that, I begin two crackers each hour. After three weeks, three crackers an hour. After four weeks, three crackers every half hour. After five weeks, three crackers every fifteen minutes… And after eight weeks, three crackers every minute. All in all, twenty-three weeks in, there is no human who can match my cracker-stuffing technique.

Really, it’s a lot like training for a marathon.

Then, once the training is done, I enter myself into local office challenges… Portraying myself like an easy mark, I lure my competitors into bets that exceed $20 per bet. Then I sit down, cross my legs, and proceed to eat them out of house and home. I am amazing and you wouldn’t believe it if you saw it.

After successful pummelings, disgruntled co-workers with gambling problems try to light a fire within my soul by saying, “Yeah, but I bet you couldn’t eat a slice of Wonder Bread in under a minute! Now that’s hard to do!”

I simply spit the remaining crumbs into their face out of defiance.

Because I am not concerned with bread. I am not concerned with rolls and crossiants and bagel dogs and challah and cinnamon rolls and doughnuts. I am only concerned with saltene crackers.

Because saltine crackers is what I do.

24 comments on “I Can Eat Three Packets of Crackers in Less Than A Minute Without A Glass of Water

  1. Andrea - June 13, 2004 at 7:05 pm -

    I’d like to see this. I’d even bet $20 you can’t do that. I’m definitely calling your bluff on this one.

  2. Sarah - June 13, 2004 at 7:13 pm -

    Maybe you should tape it and upload it for us to watch?

  3. Pauly D - June 13, 2004 at 7:36 pm -

    Video will be forthcoming…

  4. randi - June 14, 2004 at 8:24 am -

    Yes, but can you whistle after shoving all of those Saltines in your mouth? Now that’s a challenge….

  5. kenr - June 14, 2004 at 12:48 pm -

    but can you drink a gallon of milk in one hour and keep it down.

    choc. is the most fun to watch.

  6. viet - June 14, 2004 at 11:07 pm -

    How many crackers are in each packet?

  7. Enigma - June 15, 2004 at 7:41 pm -

    as someone with a life, you certainly seem to have alot of free time.

  8. Savagejeep - August 16, 2004 at 5:30 am -

    This not possible. Countless people have tried and failed. Still no video?? Great story and training regimen though…

  9. steve-o - October 29, 2004 at 2:48 pm -

    Of course it is possible you bitches… Me and 6 of my employees just tried it and 2 succeeded

  10. Pauly D - October 29, 2004 at 5:26 pm -

    Those two who succeeded are obviously cheating. It is not HUMANLY possible.

  11. Ren - December 11, 2004 at 3:10 pm -

    I can eat 6 in a minute!!! Crackers that is…

  12. krapto - January 15, 2005 at 6:44 pm -

    we ate a slice of wonder bread in a minute so ha

  13. JMart - February 2, 2005 at 11:19 am -

    man you’re lying. u aint did it, u my friend are the cracker.

  14. Pauly D - February 2, 2005 at 11:21 am -

    Dude, I may be the cracker – but I SO did this. And I’m still payin’ the price.

    Cracker, out!

  15. melissa - February 8, 2005 at 3:01 pm -

    I think that is bullshit… I made a bet with some firneds one time to see outta two of us who could eat 8 crackers in a minute without drinkin anything.. and it is even hard to eat 6 crackers in a minute..

    so your story that you just told is bullshit

  16. moron - March 15, 2005 at 3:34 pm -

    BULL SHIT. there isno way in hell anyone can eat that many saltines.! and if u think u did DONT SMOKE THAT MUCH CRACK. its simple ur a idiot its imposible. so try to shove ewm all up ur ass.

  17. Marty Schearer - August 17, 2005 at 1:47 pm -

    I bet a co-worker today and ate 3 packs of saltine crackers in exactly 58 seconds with no water or drinks and I didn’t even practice… Definately not impossible.. Then my boss said to eat 1 slice of bread in 30 seconds… But I was unable to do that… 1 minute for the bread is totally plausable…

  18. allen - March 5, 2006 at 9:24 pm -

    full el crapo

  19. CoachZ11 - June 27, 2006 at 10:48 pm -

    i have done this millions of times it is possible my personal best is 50 sec
    i believe u i know its true
    im the only one of my friends that can do it.
    Hell ill send in a video of this

  20. CoachZ11 - June 27, 2006 at 10:50 pm -

    do u fools believe me, or am i just a liar too, seriously dude send ill send u a tape

  21. kempe - October 8, 2006 at 3:06 pm -

    The amount of crackers he is eating is 6 in one minute not 3 sleeves of crackers. I can do this, my co workers cant, the trick is to get two crackers in at a time and turn them into a dough cud in your mouth and swallow whole as a big vitamin. try this method and it will work, the cud is dry in the middle yet wet and slippery on the outside and goes down easy. try this method and win money!!! See ya.

  22. Heath - January 3, 2007 at 8:22 pm -

    I ate 8 saltines in 45 seconds and 2 slices of bread in 59 seconds, u ain’t got shit. i’ll take u anytime

  23. Raychel - January 10, 2007 at 12:11 pm -

    We just had my coworker try and he couldn’t make it through 3, so I’m going to have to try this one myself. Aside from the gallon challenge, are there any other food challeges that are hard to do and will not make me projectile vomit?

  24. Johnny - July 28, 2007 at 7:47 am -

    I can see how the crackers would be challenging, but unable to eat a slice of bread in 30 seconds? are you kidding me? I can eat a slice of thickly cut bread in seconds, it’s just yeast, flour and shit. wtf -_-

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