Building a Better Piece of Gum

Trident Cinnamon Gum has got to be the smallest, creepiest, once-chewed-it-becomes-an annoying chokable pellet piece of gum-ness I have ever chewed in the history of my life.

And I can’t take it anymore.

When I decide to put a foreign object into my mouth that will bring me juicy flavorful goodness in a food that I cannot digest but which I can masticate for hours and hours and hours…I want it to fill up my mouth from cheek to cheek. I want the taste explosion to hit every bud on my tongue. I want it to be as close to the time I separated out all the marshmallow thingies from Lucky Charms and ate them with milk, chewing voraciously as every dark corner of my mouth was filled with multi-colored marshmallow chalkiness.

Aaah, the memories.

But with gum, the powers-that-be in the high-council of Gumdom, have not seen it fit to provide their consumers with a piece of gum the size of Manhattan.

(Editor’s note: Scale is important here. Trident gum is the size of one city block in New York City, while a piece of gum that I would desire to chew would be the size of Manhattan. That is about a 1:459 ratio.)

A few years back, one company tried to answer the cries of those fed up with the midget-like Trident gum by providing a gum called Orbitz. They took Trident’s gum dimensions and almost doubled the length and width. But even then, I would have to pack three to four pieces of the gum to satisfy my gum needs. There was still no way, no normal packaged way, to get what I wanted.

These days, I find myself eating a pack of Orbitz in a fifteen minute span of time. That way, I can always provide all corners and boundaries of my mouth with a constant barrage of Wintergreen or Cool Mint flavoring. It’s a costly process, but in the end, my gum fix is put at ease.

But still, with the fact that this whole country is obsessed with all things “bigger” from Super Size to huge salads to gigantic portions — you sort of have to wonder why no one has come to their senses and offered up a piece of gum the size of a loaf of seven-grain bread. I mean, we’ve got King Size candy bars, we’ve got tubs of ice cream. But gum, my friends, still remains petite.

I say, stand up in the face of petite.

10 comments on “Building a Better Piece of Gum

  1. Will - June 13, 2004 at 11:01 am -

    What you need, my friend, is some Bubble Tape. Six whole feet of gum at your disposal, dividable into portions of whatever size your heart desires.

  2. sarahk - June 13, 2004 at 11:05 am -

    i agree with will, bubble tape would solve your problem. or a pack of big league chew. i’ve always been partial to chewing the whole bag of Chicklets at once.

    but if you’re looking specifically for spearmint, i’m at a loss; orbitz is good but quite expensive if chewed in mass quantities — btw, have you tried their bubblemint and cinnamint? they’re great.

  3. Jason - June 13, 2004 at 2:30 pm -

    =o\ Yuck. I had a bad experience with Bubble Tape, therefore I avoid it at all costs. I was on vacation, I believe, as a kid…and I decided to chew a big wad of it the entire trip (I forget where we going) and not long after I made that decision (I had already been chewing awhile), it liquified in my mouth and was one of the most awful tastes I’ve ever…well, tasted.

    So…unless you want liquid Bubble Tape engulfing your tongue, teeth, and inner-cheeks…I’d say avoid Bubble Tape.

  4. Tito - June 13, 2004 at 2:34 pm -

    The Government ruined it for us Paul. We used to be able to enjoy 20 sticks of gummy bliss. They came in the form of Cigarettes, and Johnny Law (or one of his in-laws) decided kids were having too much fun pretending to be their drunk ol’ uncle who beats his wife while puffing on a kool 100.

    Maybe they still have these in Canada?

  5. Pauly D - June 13, 2004 at 5:38 pm -

    Aaah, the cigarette gum things. That was at least a decent time. These days, there’s nothing out there for me.

    As for bubble tape, I’m going to have to do some research into it.

    I’ll get back to you on my progress.

  6. Enigma - June 15, 2004 at 7:43 pm -

    gum today sucks. you chew 2x and its like rubber.

  7. jacki - October 21, 2004 at 11:59 am -

    HELLO Dumbasses!

    Trident and Orbitz and Wrigleys and tons of companys put artificial sweeteners in their gum.. These artificial sweeteners cause many symptoms…Aspartame causes 92 known symptoms and i’m sure the other artificial sweetners out there cause just as many. I’d advise you to get off those brands of gum..oh and BubbleTape. OK well I hope you guys are smart enough to get off it.

  8. Pauly D - October 21, 2004 at 12:03 pm -

    Hey Jacki!

    You are obviously extremely passionate about artificial sweeteners in gum and that makes me happy. Because when it comes down to it, most dumbasses don’t stand behind their lunatic fringe opinions about aspartame and they don’t have the knowledge that you do.

    So, kudos to you for that!

  9. Dylan - October 21, 2004 at 2:07 pm -

    I’d like to throw my fringe support behind the banning of monosodium glutamate and Sodium Benzoate. I’m not sure why, but they are artificial, so, um, all you jackasses should stop using them!!!

  10. alicia - October 22, 2004 at 8:23 am -

    Thats right! …lol

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.