I Can Convince You That Chicken Strips Are Better Than Fish Sticks

Yes, I will repeat the title of this post: I can convince you that chicken strips are better than fish sticks. And they are not only better than fish sticks, but they put the major slam down on fish sticks. I would even go so far as to say that chicken strips are like the Pope whereas fish sticks are like the current misdirected leaders of the future Iraqi government.

And if you get what that means (because I don’t) then may the great God above bless you with a thousand papal-blessings.

If you were to allow me into your house and permit me to stand beside you as you stare into the expanse that is your freezer, I would do my best to convince you of the truth. I would first point out as we stared at the yellowish-green box of fish sticks and the reddish-blue box of chicken strips that it is a historical fact that all the successful restaurants and fast food chains decorate their stores in red and blue and not in yellow and green. I might even go so far as to point out that yellow and green remind us of bodily functions and not-so-normal bodily functions and who wants to eat food out of a box that color.

I may even throw in a conspiracy theory and say that the FDA has secretly asked all fish stick makers to color their boxes in such a color-scheme so as to tell which Americans are more apt to be patriotic (red, WHITE and blue) and not supporters of far away empires whose flags may include the colors yellow and green.

You would probably just laugh and reach for the fish sticks. And that would totally be your decision to make. Your last decision as a free American, of course. But still, at least you could say to the rest of the detainees in that undisclosed location, that you got to make one sweeping, life-changing decision before the men in black took you away.

Good for you!

16 comments on “I Can Convince You That Chicken Strips Are Better Than Fish Sticks

  1. Enigma - May 27, 2004 at 9:44 pm -

    i dont care what u say, fish sticks rule! they’re the illuminati of food.

  2. jessica - May 28, 2004 at 6:33 am -

    an intriguing essay, paul, and one that provokes me to ponder further.

    for example, i wonder where Long John Silver’s fits into your scheme. their signature colors are yellow and blue — thus combining the elements of the acceptable and unacceptable restaurant palettes. also, they serve both fish filets and chicken strips — i believe they call the latter “planks,” in keeping with their nautical theme. both are quite delicious.

    and, while i tend to eschew the pre-cooked animal flesh that can be found in my grocer’s freezer, i would, if forced, choose a box of chicken strips over a box of fish sticks any day. on the other hand, i am a big fan of the frozen salmon burgers from Trader Joe’s. where would this product fit into your hierarchy of frozen food?

  3. Pauly D - May 28, 2004 at 7:05 am -

    You bring up an interesting point, Jessica — throwing salmon into the mix. But since salmon is never reprocessed into sticks and fried and flash frozen for mass consumption, I will never be faced with such a choice; choosing salmon sticks over fish sticks and chicken strips.

    Now, if I’m out at a restaurant, I’ll pick salmon everytime over chicken strips and fish sticks.

    But that, my friend, is not the reality.

  4. anonymous - February 15, 2005 at 10:18 am -

    Dude, you are a FREAK! Who the heck cares about fish sticks and chicken strips, let alone which is better? What if someone said that they liked both? What would you say to that? Or if someone liked neither?

  5. Pauly D - February 15, 2005 at 10:24 am -

    Dear anonymous:

    If someone said they liked both I would tell them that they don’t know what they’re talking about. No human in their right-mind can like both fish and chicken the same amount. It’s not possible, I tell you! NOT POSSIBLE.

  6. anonymous - February 15, 2005 at 10:28 am -

    What if I told you that I like both chicken and fish the same? Because I do… WHAT NOW?!

  7. Pauly D - February 15, 2005 at 10:33 am -

    Well, anonymous —

    I would tell you that you are not HUMAN or you grew up in an environment that has tainted you for the future. There is NO WAY you like fish and chicken the same.

    It’s not possible.

    If you were standing in line at a buffet or at a restaurant and the specials were fish and chicken, you would NOT ORDER BOTH. You would pick one over the other.

    So there.

  8. anonymous - February 16, 2005 at 9:40 am -

    Actually, if I were at a restaurant and I had only fish and chicken to choose from, the power of which one to choose would be too great that I would just leave and go to a restaurant that served neither.

    WHAT NOW?!

  9. Pauly D - February 16, 2005 at 9:49 am -

    Well, anonymous — if you like fish and chicken so equally that you would LEAVE A RESTAURANT because you couldn’t decide which one to order because you love them equally — I have to say that you have bigger issues that whether you like fish or chicken.

    Seriously, you have a decision making problem. I weep for the day someone asks you to marry them or someone asks you if you want to Super Size that, because if you’d leave an establishment because of a fish/chicken problem, well, I don’t know WHAT can be done to help you.

  10. anonymous - February 16, 2005 at 10:01 am -

    Well, saying that I’d leave the restaurant was a *little* drastic- I would simply pick something else on the menu. But before I’d look for something else, I’d have to check to see if there was an entree that had both chicken and fish. It may seem that I have decision-making problems, but if someone asked me to marry them, fear not, I’d have no problem deciding if I would like to marry them or kick them to the curb. And due to my recent double bypass surgery, I would have not problem in deciding if I want my meal Super Sized-obviously (after spending a shit load of money on my operation)I would not pick the Super Size.

  11. Jane Doe - February 16, 2005 at 10:03 am -

    I have to say that i agree w/ anonyomous.. . I,too,would leave the restanurant.
    WHAT NOW BUDDY?!?!

  12. Jane Doe - February 16, 2005 at 10:04 am -

    I have to say that i agree w/ anonyomous.. . I,too,would leave the restanurant.
    WHAT NOW BUDDY?!?!

  13. Jane Doe - February 16, 2005 at 10:17 am -

    What? Are you lost for words? Scared? Defeated? CRYING?!

  14. Pauly D - February 16, 2005 at 10:41 am -

    I must apologize to Jane Doe and anonymous.

    I just got back from a breakfast meeting where they offered me fish burritos or chicken burritos and I ran out crying for I could make no decision.

    Truly, the Internet is a wonderful learning device.

    Thank you!!

  15. anonymous - February 16, 2005 at 12:56 pm -

    Are you trying to be funny? If you are trying, you’re not succeeding…. But if you are being sirius (lol Harry Potter lovers), I accept your graciousness…

  16. siriusly anonymous - February 16, 2005 at 1:07 pm -

    quite personnaly, I think you’re all loons! honestly, who like shicken fingers or fish sticks…they’re both nasty. and besides, its not anonymous’s fault she…or quite possible he??…has a problem making up their mind…it happens to the best of us
    WHAT NOW?

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