My Food Allergies Are Running For The Hills

Dairy can kiss my ass.

So can mushrooms, lobster, scallops, barley, egg yolks, grapes, cattle and cockroaches.

For those who found themselves a loyal reader of WFME as the “Allergy Eradication of 2004” began, I did my best to keep everyone updated on all the fun food items I was supposedly allergic to. Mind you, I never had my head blow up to the size of a mylar balloon, nor did I break out in hives or rashes or bumps. I was, as far as the doctor’s told me:

“Allergic to foods that have a subtle if not invisible effect on your body’s inner-workings which could or could not cause subtle yet invisible effects on your energy level and ability to perform backflips in a gymnastic competition.”

Bad Handshakes

You already know if I’m talking about you.

You have that slimy, weak, flimsy, oily, snake-like, stalker-esque, wimpy, dead-feeling, cringe-inducing handshake. And it’s giving me the heebs.

I’m sure every time you shake someone’s hand you realize that something weird is going on. There’s that initial pressure you get from the “shakER” (you being the “shakEE”) that starts then mysteriously disappears when you introduce your five-finger flappy-grip. Then, as your shaker loses the will to apply pressure to your play-dohish palm, there’s a look in their eyes. It’s one of fear and confusion. For why would you ever shake a hand like that?

Movie Reviewer Construction Kit

You are a movie watcher.

You love going to the movies and you love paying exorbitant amounts of money for candy and hotdogs and soda and popcorn. You love Extra and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood and ET on MTV and ET on VH1. You know everything about Ben and J. Lo and Jessica and Nick and you could care less about Jennifer and Brad.

And you sure love to give your opinion, too.

Hollywood Skewered

About a week ago I came across Hollywoodlog, a new blog that looks to its contributing Hollywood professionals to write weekly posts that center around specific themes.

Last week I was on the floor reading a post by Christen Nelson called Spontaneous Days. In it, Christen tells us about the time she ran into Quentin Tarantino (recently, that is) and how they spent the day together shopping, registering for wedding gifts at Crate & Barrell and buying shirts at the GAP. It was hilarious.

This week I start contributing to the site as well, and as this week’s post centers around “Embarassment”, I’ll be serving up a Hollywood story I haven’t mentioned before on here. New posts should start appearing after Wednesday so be sure to check it out. In the meantime, check out what’s currently on there. Some great writing by talented peeps.

Today’s Prognosis on Cottage Cheese Ceilings

Food is food. Ceilings are ceilings. Mixing the two just won’t do.

(Hey, that rhymes.)

I have noticed myself lately spending a lot of time laying on my back looking at ceilings. There have also been moments where I have been standing, waiting for elevators and my eyes turn to what’s above me. I have also been known to, as I’m brushing my teeth, look around at my surroundings. And every time I do so, I spot the ‘ol cottage cheese.