Words For Your Enjoyment: Vegetarians

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” is the second edition to come to you straight from the heart of Texas where I am currently working as a Producer on the ABC show The Benefactor. The weekly WFYE column is usually provided by you and then I give you a wonderful link to your blog or site.

This week, you’re all a bunch of lazy losers. And so, instead — this week’s column is brought to you by my very close friend with whom I share a very deep emotional connection. He dug deep and provided this week’s topic which has to do with the world’s most annoying and vocal food snobs… Vegetarians.

It’s my humble opinion that vegetarians like to cause conflict.

Whenever you find yourself in any eating situation whatsoever, you’d better believe that if you’re near a vegetarian they’re bound to say something that will announce their vegetarianism. They love to cause conflict, they love to be the center of such conflict and even if the conversation you’re having has nothing to do with their veganist-life, they will always find a way to mention their superior lifestyle.

Me: “So, then after they pulled my cousin’s lifeless body from the car wreck, they took him to the hospital where they immediately put him into the intensive care unit…”

Friend #1: “Wow. That’s really sad, I hope he was OK.”

Vegetarian: You know, people who eat too much red meat have been known to end up in the ER. Did you know I don’t eat red meat because I’m a vegetarian?”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Vegetarian: “Blah blah blah blah asparagus blah blah blah blah spinach blah blah blah blah soy protein blah blah blah blah Whole Foods blah blah blah blah tofutti cuties blah blah blah…”

I do not have anything against vegetarians, contrary to popular belief after reading the above sarcastic exchange. I do not look down on them, nor do I feel hatred towards them. But I think that most of them are extremely self-absorbed and love to talk their food obsession to death.

Can you imagine if all I did around you was talk about my own, new/original food eating plan?

You: “So, how’s everything going with your family? Your friends?”

Me: “Good. Did you know all I eat now is raw, red meat and milkshakes?”

You: “Huh?”

Me: “All I eat is raw meat. Like the hunters of our olden times. Raw red meat.”

You: “…and milkshakes?”

Me: “Yes. Strawberry milkshakes. It’s really the most original and groundbreaking food diet I’ve ever been on… Red meat, did I mention that it’s all that I eat?”

You: “Uh huh…”

I would drive you crazy. Yet you, Mr. and Mrs. Vegetarian, continue to cause food plates to be returned, reworked, rejigged on a daily basis. You make sure everyone on airplanes, in hotels and at bars are well aware of what foods you do not eat. You do your best to insert the words soy and tofu at ever corner.

You are obsessed. And you must stop.

In other news — I do believe my piece about “Embarrassment” is up today at Hollywoodlog. So check it out and criticize me with all your might.

12 comments on “Words For Your Enjoyment: Vegetarians

  1. Kristi - April 30, 2004 at 6:26 am -

    People who don’t eat meat make me more than just a little suspicious of them. Especially the waaay-out-there vegetarians who won’t even eat cake because one of the ingredients is eggs.

    If you can’t appreciate a nice piece of medium-rare porterhouse or New York strip, that’s your prerogative (god, why must that word always make me think of Bobby-freakin’-Brown?!?)- but please don’t ruin my meal by moaning about the plight of poor slaughtered Bessie the cow from whence my steak came. I just don’t care.

  2. Larissa - April 30, 2004 at 7:07 am -

    Vegetarians can be nuts. Especially vegans. That said…I’m a vegetarian. But I never tell anyone. I can’t stand people who push their views on others, whether the subject is religion, politics, or eating habits. And I don’t want to subject people to my reasons for being a vegetarian (I do eat eggs and dairy–yum!) nor do I want to listen to the more rabid meat-eaters (come on, you know they exist, too! ) lecture me on the reasons humans need meat.

    So I keep quiet about it, and when I go to someone’s house and they serve meat, I simply eat side dishes without uttering a word. No biggie. And if someone orders a pepperoni pizza I just pick off the pepperonis. I don’t care that meat touched my food or that meat grease is still on it.

    So yeah, there are fanatical vegetarians and vegans out there, but some of us like to avoid conflict! ; )

  3. chase - April 30, 2004 at 10:14 am -

    Just read the Hollywood log entry…

    classic. classic.

  4. RW - April 30, 2004 at 10:23 am -

    Read both. They are in keeping with you online persona — wry, funny. No complaints at all there. However, I do take issue with your calling your readers “lazy losers.” Guess you left my huge portfolio of backlogged questions back in California. To add to the umbrage, I dragged myself home from a community meeting last night, thinking to myself, “Maybe I should send Pauly D another question.” Then I answered myself, “Nah, he has enough questions and doesn’t need mine.” Looks like I was right! But I’m not lazy!

  5. Esther - April 30, 2004 at 10:38 am -

    I’m also taking umbrage. I’m not lazy, especially about writing. I ask questions when I have them, not just for questions’ sake.

    And food obsession isn’t limited to vegetarians. How many times am I out with people who can’t stop talking about Atkins, which is basically your raw red meat and milkshakes diet (with the raw element as optional)?

    As someone moderately kosher, I end up eating vegetarian style a lot, but that doesn’t make me one of them–I still believe there’s nothing like a good steak…I hope to be able to afford one again someday.

  6. chase - April 30, 2004 at 10:48 am -

    i’m lazy. i admit it.

  7. Pauly D - April 30, 2004 at 10:58 am -

    Oh, dear friends.

    I would never in my wildest dreams consider any of you lazy or losers and I humbly apologize for any misdiected anger towards you.

    It’s that time of the month for me, if you get my gist.

    I love you all.

  8. T. Malone - April 30, 2004 at 11:21 am -

    Mrs. Malone and I keep our veggie opinions to ourselves. But before you stick us into the “freak” category for not eating meat, here’s a little something to show you what we “quiet” vegetarians have to put up with:

    “Meat” the co-workers

  9. Diann - April 30, 2004 at 12:36 pm -

    Strange diet=big sacrifice.

    I tend to talk annoyingly of any big sacrifice I am making in my life, whether it be food, fitness, classes, etc.

    I was a vegetarian for a couple of years. I love veggies but it got old. Kudos to those who keep it up.

  10. RW - April 30, 2004 at 1:09 pm -

    Um, time to pay bills? That makes me grumpy, too. Anyway, apology accepted and thanks for also rescinding “loser” appellation (which I did not actually dispute).

    For me, going vegetarian was easier than going low-carb.

  11. Dave - December 7, 2005 at 9:23 am -

    You hit it on the head. Vegetarians can be annoying.

    Oh, and also people who criticize vegetarians for being vegetarians are annoying.

    Vegetarians who look down their noses at you for not being vegetarian are also annoying.

    Oh! People who look down their noses at vegetarians for being vegetarians are annoying.

    Lazy losers aren’t particularly annoying because they don’t do much. Except when you want them to do something. Then they’re annoying.

  12. Mr. Beer Belly - January 2, 2007 at 4:52 pm -

    Great blog… you know, I just decided to become a vegetarian yesterday! Red meat kills. Beer makes you fat! The sky is falling!

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