I Am The Most Successful Hypochondriac In The World

I can complain like no other human on the face of the Earth.

Just last month was my most successful hypochondriac moment in which a splinter became a headache which became a brain tumor which became inoperable which became the reason for me getting my extended family together to talk about my will since I was sure that I only had a few days to live. Being alive and well months later has convinced me that I am, indeed, the most successful hypochondriac that has ever lived.

I can take a skinned knee and turn it into a possible leg amputation. I can turn a bloody nose into a brain aneurism. I can turn a sprained ankle into an equilibrium issue just as well as I can turn my sore, bloody gums (after a tooth brushing) into a wired-jaw procedure. I can turn a stomach ache into a possible gun shot wound from a silenced-sniper’s rifle as well as I can turn a bug in my eye into an ocular-surgery or lazik procedure.

I am the King of Hypochondria.

I can turn a gentle fall on a pile of Legos into a shrapnel issue. I can turn a mild “choking on a glass of water” into a drowning-lung scenario. I can turn an accidentally-swallowed scallop into a food poisoning/regurgitation/lack-of-acid-in-my-stomach/peeling inner-stomach lining/stomach pain/inoperable intestinal tumor rigamarole. And then, just as the rain sweeps clean the dirt of the previous day, I can wake up happy and healthy the next day.

There’s really no question. I can complain, think horrible thoughts, and put myself in a hospital bed faster than the average man.

I am the King.

In other news — tomorrow is “Words For Your Enjoyment” once again. If you don’t know what it is and don’t know why you’d submit an idea for a post, and have no energy to go looking through the archives — may the evil spirits of the fifth dimension devour your soul. If you’re just lazy, it’s all good.

5 comments on “I Am The Most Successful Hypochondriac In The World

  1. receptionista - April 29, 2004 at 4:40 pm -

    if you are the king, then i am your queen. i’m only 26 and yet i’ve had every sort of cancer and/or tumor a girl could have. it’s never a headache, it’s ALWAYS an aneurysm. that pain is never a bruise, it’s always leukemia.

    let us build a grand a mighty kingdom!

  2. Pauly D - April 29, 2004 at 4:46 pm -

    Thatta’ girl.

  3. Esther - April 30, 2004 at 10:44 am -

    Tumor/headaches are so 2003.

    I’m suffering from leprosy as we speak.

  4. nic - August 27, 2005 at 12:46 pm -

    Please name me as your beneficiary.

  5. Liz Thompson - June 16, 2006 at 2:00 pm -

    I have someone I work with who seems to have this problem. How can I help without causing hurt feelings.

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