My Food Allergies Are Running For The Hills

Dairy can kiss my ass.

So can mushrooms, lobster, scallops, barley, egg yolks, grapes, cattle and cockroaches.

For those who found themselves a loyal reader of WFME as the “Allergy Eradication of 2004” began, I did my best to keep everyone updated on all the fun food items I was supposedly allergic to. Mind you, I never had my head blow up to the size of a mylar balloon, nor did I break out in hives or rashes or bumps. I was, as far as the doctor’s told me:

“Allergic to foods that have a subtle if not invisible effect on your body’s inner-workings which could or could not cause subtle yet invisible effects on your energy level and ability to perform backflips in a gymnastic competition.”

Since I have not done gymnastics or flown over the HORSE since the “Incident of ’98”, I figured the only subtle effects had to be on my energy-level or the cause of my spontaneous and over-emotional posts involving feet. Either way, something had to be done.

Did I mention, I’ve kicked mushrooms’ butt up and down the street?

Two months in of not eating (or playing with, in regards to cattle) any of the foods I was supposedly allergic to has put me in a wonderful place. That place? The happy-healthy allergy-free, but no ice-cream, place. I feel good. I feel great. Did I mention I’ve had to use my Thomas Guide to drive extremely out of the way so as to not drive anywhere near cattle farms?

It took me twelve hours to drive from San Francisco to Berkeley, California. (Don’t ask – there are cattle somewhere inbetween those places.)

In summary, I would like to thank everyone for their support, goodwill and the free advice (“You’re a hypochondriac, buddy!”) and can only wish you and your bags of scallops a wonderful day.

As for lobster… You know where you can stick it, buddy.

7 comments on “My Food Allergies Are Running For The Hills

  1. Kristi - April 28, 2004 at 9:45 am -

    The “Incident of ’98”? Please enlighten us…

    And a life without ice cream? That sounds like a life not worth living to me. I couldn’t live without my occasional waffle cone of peanut butter and chocolate or mint chocolate chip!!!

  2. Diann - April 28, 2004 at 11:55 am -

    I have been living a life with no carbs. I feel your pain.

  3. Esther - April 28, 2004 at 12:50 pm -

    Is your allergy to only living cattle or to all deceased cattle-related products? Maybe your lobster allergy heralds your imminent return to keeping kosher.

  4. Jeff B - April 28, 2004 at 3:07 pm -

    Are you still in Dallas? If so, is it really possible to drive anywhere and not see cattle? I mean, sure there’s downtown, but I think there are stockyards even there.

    And I’m sad to hear that you will not be attending this year’s Cow Tipping Festival. I could have served you up a good mushroom kool-aid (TM).

  5. Pauly D - April 28, 2004 at 3:27 pm -

    Still in Dallas, my friend. However I haven’t seen any cattle that haven’t been done at medium-rare. So… I’m OK there.

  6. j-a - April 28, 2004 at 11:32 pm -

    but can you eat chocolate?

  7. Pauly D - April 29, 2004 at 6:53 am -

    Oh yes. Chocolate I can do.

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