How Things Would Have Been Different If I’d Been Matthew Modine in Vision Quest

First of all I am not nor will I ever be an exact replica of Matthew Modine.

Yet, in the continuing tradition of me telling you why I’m better than stars from classic movies of the 1980’s, I am here today to tell you how things would have been different had I been cast as the wrestler character in the flick Vision Quest.

For those who don’t know, Vision Quest tells the story of a high-school wrestler played by Matthew Modine who is doing all he can to lose weight so he can fight the champion wrestler who is two weight classes below him. While all this is going on, our friend Mr. Modine helps a woman on the road whose car breaks down and lets her stay with him and his dad until she can get back on her feet. She happens to be played by Linda Fiorentino. While she’s staying there, the two fall for each other, visit a bar where Madonna is singing Crazy For You, and while all this is going on, Linda helps Matty stay strong to defeat his wrestling nemesis.

I am so way better than Matthew Modine.

First of all, Matthew Modine goes to the extreme to stop eating so he can beat someone in a weight class two levels below him. This causes his nose to bleed, causes him to faint and generally look pale. I would, instead, simply be happy beating the person in my current weight class — keeping myself a Champion! Which could possibly even hook me up with a scholarship at a college.

Secondly, had I seen Linda Fiorentino on the side of the road with a broken down car, I probably would definitely stop and offer up my AAA card. I could use my cell phone to get AAA there in a timely manner, then fix up her car so she wouldn’t be stranded in my lame-ass small town. If she was looking for work I’d hook her up with my sister, who has a Headhunting firm, and try to get her back on her feet. Staying with us at the house, well, I don’t think that would go over too well.

As for the Madonna, performing in a small bar (which would have been an awesome thing to have been at in the 80’s), I would so find out where she was playing, after winning in my weight class, hooking up the wrestling scholarship and helping Linda out with Triple-A, and then swing by to watch her play. At least I could tell people today, “I saw Madonna in the early days when she was performing in small clubs in small towns!” People wouldn’t believe me, but what the hell.

So, had I been cast in the role that Matthew Modine snagged in the movie Vision Quest, I think you would have way enjoyed the film. I still would have worn his trademark hooded-sweatshirt in all those jogging scenes, but otherwise it would have been all me.

All me, baby.

6 comments on “How Things Would Have Been Different If I’d Been Matthew Modine in Vision Quest

  1. chase - April 28, 2004 at 4:57 pm -

    no words can describe the sound that just emitted from my mouth after reading JUST the headline…hilarious.

  2. Pauly D - April 28, 2004 at 5:16 pm -

    It’s nice to know there are people out there who respond to funny randomness. Some people just look at you cockeyed and wonder what planet you THINK you’re from.

  3. T. Malone - April 28, 2004 at 7:47 pm -

    OK – but if you give her the AAA card and she leaves town, you never get a chance to get caught sniffing her underwear. And then where is the romance, Pauly? Where?

  4. Esther - April 28, 2004 at 9:54 pm -

    But you forget the most important part of your having been in VisionQuest…that eventually, you could have introduced me to the then-beMohawked Michael Schoeffling, the actor everyone else knows as Sixteen Candles’ Jake Ryan. Don’t worry, you’d be invited to the wedding.

    I often “digitally insert” myself into movies to see how much better they would have been, so I’m glad I’m not alone!

  5. Hilary - April 29, 2004 at 4:22 pm -

    Esther, you have competition now. I LOVE Michael Schoeffling.

  6. Jurgen - January 22, 2005 at 6:54 pm -

    Esther: that is so me! I TOTALLY wanted Michael Schoeffling to ‘digitally insert’ and try and discover if I got some extra enjoyment out of it. He was hot with that Mohawk too…Yummy1..but I think he’s hottest in 16 Candles.

    Where is he thes days?

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