Golden Weekend

It’s damn amazing how much you realize you take weekends for granted when you find yourself working weekends then come face to face with a weekend you don’t have to work. Like this weekend.

The last few weeks have been crazy, to say the least, but they have also been extremely satisfying and engaging on a creative level for the [NOW, NO LONGER UNDISCLOSED] television show. When you work as a solitary writer in your “home office” for months on end, and I’ve said this before but want to say it again, working with real people sure is nice. It’s sort of like being a comedian. For months you practice your material only to (one day) get out and do your set in front of people. For me, it’s nice to finally realize you may still be creative, funny and fun to be around — if not simply by enjoying interaction with others. Phew. Did you get through that?

If I Was Tom Cruise, Looking In A Mirror

I’ve suddenly woken up in the body of Tom Cruise. And I’m looking into my bathroom mirror.

Me (Tom Cruise): Hi. Helllllooooo. Hey there. What’s up! Heeeyyyy YOU!

I feel my face. Slap it a few times. Flex my muscles.

Me (Tom Cruise): Show me the money! No, wait. Not that. Help ME, help YOU! Help ME, help YOU!

Me (Tom Cruise): Am I gay? Are YOU gay? Am I gay. I’m not gay. I’m me. And I know that in being me, I’m not gay. Not gay. Not gonna do it. No sir, no way.

Me (Tom Cruise): Woooooooo hooooooooooo! Watch out, Iceman!

Words For Your Enjoyment: Toast

It is Friday, and you know what that means.

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” idea comes from one of our friends from down unda’ — Australia to be exact. He asked the simple question, “What are the problems with toast?” And sadly, for all of you — I have a pretty complicated answer.

For those who don’t know, the origins of “toast” stem way back to the 1600’s when the Earl of Toast, who was the step-son of the King of France, found himself standing above a huge plate filled with bread and boar’s meat and asparagus. It was there, standing over this huge plate filled with bread and boar’s meat and asparagus that the Earl of Toast uttered a certain set of words to his servant, kneeling at the edge of the table.

Top 3 “I Did Not Cry” Moments

I am a full-blooded man. I do not cry. You need to accept that immediately and fully. I will never admit that I have and you do not have any evidence that it has ever occurred.

Good? Good.

Now let’s get to my Top 3 “I Did Not Cry” Moments. These are moments where there was no crying going on whatsoever, and contrary to popular belief I am here to prove it.

Moment #1
Watching The Color Purple

When Whoopi Goldberg’s character (whose two babies were taken away from her at birth) runs through a huge field towards the two adult versions of her children she has never met. As she runs, she starts uncontrollably screaming for them in incoherent babble… That babble communicates her pain and joy and she embraces them tightly.

The Greatest American Hero Piano Concerto

I was forced to learn piano.

I never wanted to. Never felt the need to. But strangely, there I was, sitting next to my piano teacher trying to determine what piece I would learn for the upcoming recital. There was Brahms, Beethoven, Scott Joplin and a slew of other dead composers whose piano concertos were dull, drab and (forgive me) boring.

“But this is a piano recital.”

At least, that’s what my piano teacher, the wife of the local High School chorus director, told me. I needed to pick something that was within my skill level, something that would inspire and engage the audience, and something that was less than five minutes. There was, obviously, a time constraint.