Words for My Enjoyment

The Worst Possible Way To Die (Or, Punchcard Death)

March 24th, 2004

People love to talk about what they think the worst possible way to die would be.

There are a lot of people who say it would be the “burning alive” thing. In fact, these people are way adamant about this fact and will go on and on about the fact that you’re still alive and you’re smelling your flesh burn and blah blah blah the smoke and inhilation problem and how you’d see the flames and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Then there are the drowning people. The people who have watched The Abyss more than once and always site the scene where Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrontonio are in a small underwater sub and the water is slowly rising and there’s only one oxygen tank and how Mary decides that Ed should live and she hugs him, kisses him then has to open her mouth by instinct to let in air, but all there is is water and boy oh boy, she drowns. Other people just mention being attached to the end of a surf board by that trademark unbreakable cord, and being pulled down with the undertow, never to resurface.

Then there are the falling off a bridge/building/large American monument people. They try to sell you on the “splat principal”. That although it’s a quick death, the moment of splattage is the worst possible way to experience your last few seconds.

Then there are the fringe choices. They range from getting shot, suffocated, buried alive, attacked by a crowd of naked strippers, accidentally frozen in a frozen yogurt shoppe’s massive freezer and then discovered by the teenage workers on Monday morning, left to die in the wilderness, ripped apart by wild animals, bitten by a poisonous snake, hit by a car, hit by a truck, hit by a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists who will eventually end up taking the picture of your carcass after the accident, and much much more.

Personally, there has always been one way to go, in particular, that has chilled me to the bone: Dying without successfully getting all my various punchcards fully punched — and thus, never receiving a tenth item free as outlined on the reverse of the said punchcard.

I currently have in my possession, a punch-card for Virgin Megastore, Jamba Juice, some Boba Milk Tea Shoppe, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, EB Games and a few others. I have worked long and hard to purchase items from these establishments so that I would eventually receive the holy grail of punchcards. FREE STUFF. Sadly, I am still a few away.

If I were to die without getting all my punches, after all this time of buying DVDs, CDs, juice drinks, tea, coffee and video games… I would consider that the absolutely, one-hundred ten percent for sure, worst, horrific, painful and depressing way to go.

Yeah, yeah… I’m insane.

Posted under What If. |