Why I Fear Tofu

I am more afraid of tofu than I am of a masked man who shows up at my back door in the middle of the night.

As someone who has recently started the “no-dairy” thing as a way of determining if by not drinking or eating dairy products that the second head protruding from my shoulders would disappear… People all over the place have started to plant the seeds of tofu in my head.

“Tofu is the new pork.”

“Tofu will make you feel and act like someone ten years younger than your actual age!”

“Tofu takes on the flavor of whatever food you mix with it!”

Tofu takes on the flavor of whatever food you mix it with? This is the selling point? If I wanted a steak wouldn’t I just eat a steak instead of mixing tofu with steak to produce a gelatinous cube of tofu that tasted like steak?

I am afraid of Tofu because it jiggles like The Blob, it wiggles like a living breathing animal and because it sucks the life and flavor out of any food it touches. These facts have caused me to officially make the statement that…

Tofu is an evil parasite of the food world.

Tofu does not go down smoothly. It tries to attach itself to your teeth and gums, afraid of sliding down your gullet. Yet everywhere, places are using tofu to create fake food. There are tofu burgers, tofu ice cream, tofu milk and for all I know, tofu pixie sticks and tofu cannolis. It’s literally fake food, people. I mean, what is tofu made of anyway? Soy beans?

Soy beans. Exactly.

You are eating soy beans. Soy beans that have been reconstituted into things like burgers and ice cream and milk-ish products. BEANS. I don’t know. I’m just not feeling the tofu thing. Really, I’m not.

Are you?

20 comments on “Why I Fear Tofu

  1. sarah - March 16, 2004 at 7:48 am -

    this post made my rumbly tummy settle down. tofu=yack

  2. em - March 16, 2004 at 7:51 am -

    totally agree. tofu–bleh.

    thanks for the linkage!

  3. Kat - March 16, 2004 at 9:51 am -

    Nope. Definitely not feelin’ it, either. Even the word ‘tofu’ is unappealing!

  4. T. Malone - March 16, 2004 at 10:02 am -

    Dude – The Malones Rock With The Power Of Tofu!

    Save your taste and content gripes for the true enemy – diet soda!

  5. Pauly D - March 16, 2004 at 10:11 am -

    Well, T — you’re the only one so far who is showing any love for the gelatinous faux-food.

    Power to you.

  6. em - March 16, 2004 at 10:44 am -

    and wow does he ever love it! 🙂

  7. Kristi - March 16, 2004 at 11:11 am -

    Uck- I’ve tried the tofu thing and can heartily say “no thanks”. It’s way too slimy for me, and when it’s actually cooked, it has the consistency of a wet sponge- although I think a wet sponge might actually have more taste to it.

  8. receptionista - March 16, 2004 at 2:32 pm -

    i love tofu! LOVE IT. the best is fried tofu dipped in sweet chili sauce.

    you need to get firm tofu. and tofu ice cream is delish (although different). try a tofutti cutie, they are tofu ice cream sandwiches, and they are delightful.

    it’s funny that i love tofu so much, because when i’m not eating tofu i’m chowing down on beef jerky.

    for a while, you might want to stick with someone else cooking the tofu for you. eat it when you eat out and see how you like it then. because tofu is so different from other foods, it’s hard to learn how to prepare when you are used to dealing with milk and meat.

  9. ellie - March 16, 2004 at 4:35 pm -

    After nearly a year on Atkins I’m definitely feeling it. Maybe my body is taking on the properties of soybeans in trade for the flavor exchange thing, because my thighs now have the consistency of tofu.

  10. Pauly D - March 16, 2004 at 4:44 pm -

    The soybeans have taken over your body, Ellie. Now you will taste like whatever food you digest.


  11. bp - March 16, 2004 at 4:48 pm -

    I am a big fan of the tofu. I had a big plate of tofu and rice today, but I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, eat tofu that wasn’t prepared by a chef in an asian restaurant.

  12. ellie - March 16, 2004 at 8:43 pm -

    Thank goodness for chocolate then. 🙂

  13. Pauly D - March 16, 2004 at 8:57 pm -

    Aaah, the black drug.

    Chocolate is the black drug, right Miss Ellie?

  14. Nancy - March 16, 2004 at 10:32 pm -

    I like tofu because soybeans hold no mystery for me. I grew up in fields of soybeans. As a child, I climbed (without permission) into grain elevators filled with the things. The dryer fans blowing loud across the prairie on cool autumn nights was one sign summer was over. They smelled divine as I buried myself in them. They were warm, comforting, the 20-foot-tall pile of them. A great place to play.

    Now that I have moved away from the country side, I regress to my youth a little by eating edamame, warm, salty, delicious.

    Fake tofu ham. Yum! Scrambled tofu with curry for breakfast. Yum! Hmmmmm. Protein. Soybeans, yeah! Support those Midwest farmers!

  15. Pauly D - March 16, 2004 at 10:45 pm -

    Well, we have officially found our tofu spokesperson. It’s Nancy.

    I’ll have Fedex get you the “I Love Tofu” t-shirts ASAP.

  16. T. Malone - March 17, 2004 at 11:25 pm -

    Can I be the tofu spokesperson runner-up? Like, if something happens to the tofu spokesperson I get her duties and the shirts?


  17. Pauly D - March 18, 2004 at 7:27 am -

    T. You are officially the runner-up tofu spokesperson. Be sure to have your Tofu Power jockstrap ready. You may be called with a moment’s notice.

  18. kim - March 1, 2005 at 2:48 pm -

    i love tofu, i came here looking for a shirt

  19. TofuFANatic - December 23, 2006 at 10:44 am -

    There’s shirts?! Tofu is the BOMB…I keep my local store stockin the shelves. I will be makin my first faux ham for x-mas and I’m feelin pretty good about it. Behold, the power of tofu!

  20. Abasio - July 23, 2007 at 5:38 am -

    That is exactly how I feel!
    I don’t understand why more people don’t feel this way.
    It is evil I tell you & in years from now scientists will tell us they made a mistake & it’s really poisonous!!

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