Today’s Amazing Invention — Edible Toothpicks!

For today’s blindingly-amazing great, intelligent idea — I should receive the Nobel Prize.

There are people out there who have heard this idea before and they scoff at me. They scoff at me much like the people who scoffed at the guy who invented the Pet Rock. They scoff at me much like the people who scoffed at the guy who invented Pop Rocks. They scoff because their brain capacity is so much smaller than mine. And my brain has invented edible toothpicks.

(Ed. note: This idea has already been submitted to the patent office in case you want to try and steal it for your own.)

If you were sitting across from me right now, I would ask you these questions:

1. How often do you eat sandwiches?

2. How often do said sandwiches fall apart in your hands?

3. When you eat huge deli sandwiches with toothpicks holding them together, do you ever find yourself having a less than stellar eating experience because you cannot just take carefree bites, but must eat around the sharpened wooden stick of death?

4. Do you ever just shout to the sky, “When will God see fit to replace these woody, needle like food-piercing objects with something more humane!?”

Well, my friends. Today is your last day of bloody, punctured roof-o’-the-mouth injuries. You will never ever have to face your family and friends with holes in your head. Because I have invented the amazing product I like to call…edible toothpicks.

Toothpick shaped dehydrated food. Salami, olive, fruit, cucumber, etcetera! Any kind of food that can be dehydrated and shaped can be an edible toothpick. So, when you’re eating that salami sub and you get to your edible “olive” toothpick — no worries! Just eat away and eat the toothpick!

I can tell by your silence that you obviously realize how substantial of an invention this is, and that you wish you were currently a dependent of mine.

Keep on wishing, friends. Keep on wishing.

In other news, I used a Q-Tip to clean out my bellybutton today.

11 comments on “Today’s Amazing Invention — Edible Toothpicks!

  1. Calissa Hill - March 3, 2004 at 9:30 am -

    ROFLMAO! Neat idea! (I usally take out those toothpicks when I get the sub though). LOL!

  2. Pauly D - March 3, 2004 at 9:51 am -

    Right, Calissa – but what if you never had to TAKE THEM OUT? Heaven on Earth.

  3. lori - March 3, 2004 at 10:41 am -

    I’m allergic to Pop Rocks.

  4. Karen - March 3, 2004 at 7:42 pm -

    Question: if it was firm enough to hold together a sandwich – wouldn’t it still be firm enough to hurt the roof of your mouth?

    So what would you call these? Got a catchy name yet? Will you be keeping the traditional wood flavor variety?

  5. frozen star - March 3, 2004 at 10:04 pm -

    I was just about to suggest that on cleaning the belly button with. 🙂

    Edible toothpicks. . . why not make assorted? Vegetarians wouldn’t buy anything made of meat, and I doubt anyone would want dried fruit in an oily Italian sub.

  6. Pauly D - March 3, 2004 at 10:23 pm -

    Karen – they will be firm but will also be dull and not sharp at the end. I would like to call them… “Tooth-eats” or “Edipicks”.

    Frozen Star – Your veggie idea is worth it’s weight in edimame. You’ll be getting a contract release form in the e-mail soon!

  7. jen - March 4, 2004 at 6:25 am -

    you aren’t supposed to eat regular toothpicks?! uh oh.

  8. loon - March 4, 2004 at 7:54 am -

    i suggest a candy flavored line. that way, when i’m walking around all cool like with a toothpick sticking out of my mouth, i’m able to suck on something sweet. walking around with a lollipop in my mouth just doesn’t scream ‘badass!’ as much as the toothpick does.

  9. em - March 4, 2004 at 3:24 pm -

    how about frozen slivers of this or that food-flavored material. as you eat, they defrost and soften. vwala–no punctures in the roof of your mouth.

  10. Linda - December 5, 2018 at 7:36 am -

    Hi, I am looking for edible toothpicks to put together Santa faces out if fruit. The little kids will love these but I don’t want them getting hurt in wooden toothpicks. Will these work? How do I order them? How long till they would arrive? I need them really soon. Thank you

  11. Linda Jordan - December 5, 2018 at 7:38 am -

    I need these to put a Santa face together out of fruit. I don’t want the little kids getting hurt on wooden picks. Will these work?

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