Here are the awards that should have been given out tonight:
Award for Best Song
Will Ferrill and Jack Black, singing lyrics to the “you’re out of time with your speech” music.
Award for the Best Side View of Your Thinning Hair
Billy Crystal, whose hair looked like it was there sometimes, and like a halo other times.
Award for Oscar Winner Who Hasn’t Seen Real People in Years
The winner of Best Documentary film, who went on and on and on and on.
Award for Best Breath Freshener Moment
Adrian Brody, in an attempt to get ready for his second Oscar kiss. (Last years was with Halle Berry.)
Award for Best Creative Mind with No Discernable Personality
Best Lap Dance
Bill Crystal on Clint Eastwood
Best Use of Plastic Surgery
Joan Rivers, before the show on E!
Even though I have yet to see the winner (who I believe will be Bill Murray for Best Actor and Lord of the Rings for Best Picture), that’s all I have for you now.
In other news, I decided to live on the wildside today and eat some potato chips (of which I am allergic).