Tonight’s Missing Awards

Here are the awards that should have been given out tonight:

Award for Best Song
Will Ferrill and Jack Black, singing lyrics to the “you’re out of time with your speech” music.

Award for the Best Side View of Your Thinning Hair
Billy Crystal, whose hair looked like it was there sometimes, and like a halo other times.

Award for Oscar Winner Who Hasn’t Seen Real People in Years
The winner of Best Documentary film, who went on and on and on and on.

Award for Best Breath Freshener Moment
Adrian Brody, in an attempt to get ready for his second Oscar kiss. (Last years was with Halle Berry.)

Award for Best Creative Mind with No Discernable Personality
Sofia Coppola

Best Lap Dance
Bill Crystal on Clint Eastwood

Best Use of Plastic Surgery
Joan Rivers, before the show on E!

Even though I have yet to see the winner (who I believe will be Bill Murray for Best Actor and Lord of the Rings for Best Picture), that’s all I have for you now.

In other news, I decided to live on the wildside today and eat some potato chips (of which I am allergic).

5 comments on “Tonight’s Missing Awards

  1. Jeff - February 29, 2004 at 9:43 pm -

    Guess what? Tonight I figured out that I’m allergic to the Oscars. I tend to break out in sleep while watching.

  2. Trish - February 29, 2004 at 10:40 pm -

    I’m with Jeff. zzzzz…

    How’d the chips work out for ya?

  3. lori - March 1, 2004 at 12:05 am -

    Maybe you should chase them with a couple of Benadryl.

  4. Pauly D - March 1, 2004 at 9:44 pm -

    Surprisingly, the chips did not have the same effect on my as the cattle I recently came in contact with.

    My left foot was very pleased.

  5. Super Rad #1 Go! Go! - March 2, 2004 at 9:23 am -


    So I didn’t do bad. I should have predicted a LOTR clean sweep. But, my phrasing did allow for a very strong possibility that they would walk off with the adapted screenplay trophy, as well. I thought they might throw…

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