Tonight’s Missing Awards

Here are the awards that should have been given out tonight:

Award for Best Song
Will Ferrill and Jack Black, singing lyrics to the “you’re out of time with your speech” music.

Award for the Best Side View of Your Thinning Hair
Billy Crystal, whose hair looked like it was there sometimes, and like a halo other times.

Award for Oscar Winner Who Hasn’t Seen Real People in Years
The winner of Best Documentary film, who went on and on and on and on.

Award for Best Breath Freshener Moment
Adrian Brody, in an attempt to get ready for his second Oscar kiss. (Last years was with Halle Berry.)

Award for Best Creative Mind with No Discernable Personality
Sofia Coppola

Bad Movies and Good Decisions

Once again, like clockwork, the Academy Awards will be broadcast tonight across the entire planet. In countries far and wide, people will be sitting on the edges of their seats, benches, rocks, cliffs and pillows to find out just which actors and producers will take home the all-powerful golden statue of Oscar.

And tomorrow morning, a bunch of unlucky studio executives will find their offices already packed up for them, their final check sitting on the Executive leather (ergonomically correct) chair. Why? Because the project they staked their career on, didn’t win one damn thing.

Psychologically Unbalanced Hollywood

As the Oscars rapidly approach, I’d thought I could share a few stories about ridiculous Hollywood players and their insane requests to the underlings that work for them. These are all true, but the names have been removed to protect (not the innocent), but me and my career.

1. Producer #1. Co-chairman of a big media company who has been successful as a result of huge movies and television shows. This guy has gone through assistant after assistant due to his unique and strange obessive compulsive behavior. His big issue? Everything in his office must be level. His assistants must, at all times, have a carpenter’s level with them. He will, many times during the day ask them to come into his office and make sure that all hung paintings are level. If they are not, they are one more warning away from being fired.

Anal Linkage

Not to be confused with leakage.

Although before I get into what I’m going to talk about, can I just say that I think those potato chips that include Olestra (the chemical that makes them taste good but causes anal leakage) has got to be the funniest, most random food additive ever. I don’t know who picks up a bag of chips with Olestra and says to themselves, “Anal leakage? And I get to eat potato chips with hardly any calories? Sign me up! And get the depends!” But I’d sure like to meet them.