The Suck-age Effect

This is how I felt as I exited the movie The Butterfly Effect tonight. Although, about twenty-seven times throughout the screening of this movie I also felt this way. I have many criticisms but the first of many is this:

1. Ashton Kutcher, who has been CGI-altered to appear as if (in one scene) he had his arms amputated, and is sitting in a wheelchair crying about his poor life and the fact that he can’t make the fake hands attached to his amputated hands clutch a granola bar…well…just made me laugh. I just couldn’t take Mr. Punk’d seriously.

2. Amy Smart, the girl in the movie who you may know from Felicity or Road Trip is not attractive. Don’t tell me she is. She’s not. I can’t stand looking at her.

3. Ashton Kutcher can’t act.

4. Amy Smart can’t act.

5. Ashton Kutcher makes me laugh when he sheds a tear, depressed that he’s unable to commit suicide in his college dorm room bathroom by trying to drown himself in the bathtub.

6. The audience laughed, too.

I don’t know. I heard a rumor out here in Hollywood that Ashton was cast for Cameron Crowe’s new movie and then Crowe got him an acting coach, and then a few weeks later, Cameron quietly fired him from the job. Crowe never really talked about it and Ashton’s people spun it so that the public thought they parted because of a scheduling conflict. Ashton quickly cancelled his own Punk’d, in an attempt (I think) to start to get more serious about “real acting”.

The real question is this: Why do I care so damn much about Ashton Kutcher that I’ve typed all this up about him?

I am a sad, silly man.

8 comments on “The Suck-age Effect

  1. steve - January 3, 2005 at 4:56 pm -

    Pauly D — bite your tongue! As a fairly consistent reader of WFME I feel that I have earned the right to let you know point blank when you have made a mistake. So I will. Amy Smart is quite attractive. While I don’t think that she’s “list” quality, she’s up there.

    What next? You’re going to tell me that the girl from Lost is homely?…

    Oy vey!

  2. steve - January 5, 2005 at 11:28 am -

    OK — I’ve waited patiently for you to formally tender your apology to Miss Smart. I can only assume that your contrition has somehow rendered you speechless. I must assume that, ridden with guilt, you sit there unable to sleep, unable to drink, unable to even drool over a big block of Brie (or any other cheese for that matter). I can only imagine the shame with which you live out your days. Oh sure — you put forth a proud face to the world. You might fool the rest of them with your lighthearted entries on “The future of Big League Chew in this anti-tobacco world,” but I see through your fanciful façade.

    I’m here to tell you that your life will, in fact, be better if you retract those libatious statements. Accept Amy Smart as the beauty that she is!

  3. Pauly D - January 5, 2005 at 11:32 am -

    Steve.

    Amy Smart — is not good looking.

    She is weird looking. Emaciated looking. She is less good looking than Chloe Sevigny who is weird looking on her own.

    I retract NOTHING, dear sir. I stand behind my libel-esque comments!

  4. steve - January 5, 2005 at 11:42 am -

    Oh Pauly D
    You disappoint me.

    When the opportunity arose
    to retract in prose

    The light you just did not see.

  5. Pauly D - January 5, 2005 at 12:00 pm -

    I saw, indeed,
    that much is true,
    but Amy Smart,
    she’s ugly too.

    Her twisted nose,
    her tiny digits,
    whilest I watch her on screen,
    I can’t help but figits.

  6. steve - January 5, 2005 at 2:14 pm -

    The beauty of Smart
    Apologize. Retract it.
    You are not correct.

  7. Lil S Dog1 - October 26, 2005 at 10:12 am -

    Your Right He Flat Out Sucks…He can’t act to save his scrawny bangin Demo Moore Life. He needs a good pimp smackin! And Amy Smart is ass ugly, and can’t act either.

    I’m out!!!

  8. plaingrove2004 - October 3, 2006 at 8:22 pm -

    I agree Amy Smart is not that good looking, and the only reason I point it out is because so many people including the media will say that she is. There are a ton of girls out there that are considered hot stuff but if you really look there missing alot of the goods. They’ll have a big rack but the ass is flat as a pancake or looks that way because its got a couple of big love handles above it. Im not talking about Amy Smart right now but any girl in the world.

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